30 Rock quotes

Jack

Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.

I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.

Jack

Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.

That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.

Jack

Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

What's the hard way?

Jack

You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.

Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.

Jack

Back at you, Red.

Liz

Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack

It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Tracy

I'm buggin' out. I'm buggin' out. I'm buggin' out!

Frank

Yeah it's pretty good but I think the boobs should swing more.

Tracy

Yeah then I could go "Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom booms."

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Liz

[sighs] Really, dude? I got to move my coat? There are like four empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?

Jenna

That guy wanted to buy you a drink!

Liz

Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Dennis

[Reading from a letter] Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the ‘86 World Series, I cried... I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we'd be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation," which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights. I'll always love you. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you.

Liz

What's going on, business got ya down?

Jack

Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.

Tracy

This is untoward! This is not toward!

Jack

Where are you going? You have rehearsal about to start

Liz

I stole a baby Jack! I’m taking a half day.

Jack

Fair enough.

Liz

I have to do some thinking. Maybe it’s impossible to have it all. Career, the family… [gets on elevator] But if anyone can figure out how to do it, it’s me.

Jack

That’s going up.

Liz

Ohh nerds!

Jenna

Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.

Pete

Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

Jenna

Yeah, I know!

Tracy

So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?

Jack

Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [Jack rolls down a complex organizational chart] You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea, and they will make the Meat Machine.

Tracy

I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

Jack

I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

Jack

I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.

Kenneth

Thank you, sir!

Jack

That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

Oh, no! Dude, is this spinach?

Jack

Yes. You asked for [pulls out a sheet of paper] one spinach salad.

Actually, I wanted the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.

Jack

Should I take it back?

I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?

Jack

That is correct.

[angrily] Well then yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or, get me a time machine so I can go back and smack your mom for smoking crack while she was pregnant! [to Kenneth, who is standing in the doorway] Too much?

Kenneth

No, that's usually how it goes.