Caroline reads everything. She read the entire iTunes user agreement before she bought Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."
Wish I'd read the fine print when I agreed to be your roommate. Turns out, bitch do have my money.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
RRandy
Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all.
Dongs. The answer is dongs.
C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.
Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.
Oh... my... God. It finally happened. Someone doesn't wanna have sex with me! He said he gotta be at work early. Isn't that weird?
That you're dating a guy with a job? Yeah, that is weird.
Remember on Full House, when you thought there was one Michelle, but there were actually two Michelles...
Why are you bringing up one of the craziest days of my life?
He has two.
Two what?
Owen has two penises! Why is it so hard to understand?
Is that a thing that can happen?
Yes, it's called diphallia. I just Googled it. It's a medical condition in which a male is born with two penises. The only case in which two dongs make a right.
According to Netflix, last night I watched half the Takens and all the Insidiouses-es. All of them!
Relax. You probably just sleep-watched them. And you probably also sleep-ordered 28 boxes of tampons on Amazon.
Max, you hacked into my accounts? That's illegal! And beyond what I thought you were intellectually capable of!
Not much of a hack when the password is "Hanstoppable."
That's a breach of trust, girls. Did you order me those shoes?
Dammit! I should have gone with "Han Golden Pond."
BBernard
And is this your same-sex partner?
I will be if that gets me in the will.
Bernard, this is Max. She's my roommate.
BBernard
Yes, that's what we called them back in the day.
I'm Periscoping.
Isn't periscoping when you do mouth stuff on a guy while he keeps a lookout for the cops?
Not all sex has to involve the threat of an arrest, Max. Periscope is a social media app that streams live videos to your followers. Tell everyone in Brooklyn who loves food festivals that we'll be at the Taste of Bushwick tomorrow.
Or you can follow me into the bathroom while I change, and they can see some bushwick right now.
[Max and Caroline have VIP tickets for Oleg's cousin's basketball game]
Where are the fliers? I bet we could get a lot of business there.
No! We are not doing business! Tonight is supposed to be fun.
Well, I find business fun, but okay. One day, you will appreciate my ambition.
And one day, I will try lettuce, but not tonight. No fliers.
No fliers.
No fliers.
I just think this is a missed opportunity.
"Missed Opportunity" was my stripper name at the Salty Dog. Look, I don't wanna work tonight. Which also happened to be my catchphrase.
I'd love to stay and talk, but I just remembered I have to run away.
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