JimmySometimes I look at you and I think, "How did this person get in my house?" It's like I've lost the thread of a novel, and all of a sudden, there's this messy short woman who's clearly important to the story. So, I'm flipping back, thinking, "I don't remember that character being introduced."
Tell me about it! Some days it's like I un-blacked out from a week-long bender, and now I'm in this weird-ass house with sharp corners.
Jimmy
My mate was supposed to be so different. Classy, unbruised, a first-chair violinist for the Philharmonic. God, can you imagine it? Me in the wings of Disney Hall. And we wave good-bye to the other musicians, and I joke about what a drag it must be for Igor to haul that double bass home. And then Dudamel does a champagne spit-take and shakes his head at me like, "Oh, Jimmy, you are too much."
How am I not arm candy for some international movie star with a giant dong? He's part owner of a cool tech company and invents apps when he's not dick-punching Peter Sarsgaard in his latest movie. Sometimes we talk about adopting a kid from a third-world country, but we never do it. And we live in a legit-ass castle in Malibu with one of those big modern art pieces by the guy who does the big dots.
Jimmy
What? Lichtenstein?
Yeah. A big old Lichtenstein.
Jimmy
Wow. How very sophomore year art history of you. You definitely shouldn't decorate your own house.
Jimmy
Dorothy's crying. It's very mucous-y.
Lindsay's just reciting the spoken word parts of Lemonade.
Jimmy
Such idiots.
We're no better than them.
Jimmy
Oh, speak for yourself. I'm not the one who flung my sandwich like a upset chimp at the zoo.
I threw it because I realized I was living with an uptight dildo whose personality unmakes itself anytime something bad happens.
Jimmy
Says the woman who spent weeks catatonic on the couch in crusty yoga pants.
I have a clinical goddamn illness!
Jimmy
Oh, right. So you just win because your condition is listed in the DSM?
No! I win because I am doing something about it. You're just lashing out and putting me under a microscope!
Jimmy
It just happened! He just died. Right, I am still grieving, Gretchen. Jesus Christ!
Jimmy
Where?!
Here! In shit, miserable! There just isn't room for you to be broken right now, too.
Jimmy
Oh, that... that is complete... How is that okay?
It's not. It is completely unfair.
Jimmy
No. This is not supposed to... One person is supposed to be in the hospital bed. And then the other uncomfortably sleeping on that little couch, just sneaking home to shower and... and walk the dog.
Right? Right, Jimmy. And yet...
[Both looking at a picture of Vernon and Becca's newborn baby]
It looks like the fox in the Nine Inch Nails video that's being eaten by ants.
Jimmy
It looks like it should be screaming at an old lady in an Aphex Twin video.
Why is its face so swollen? Did Becca give birth directly over a beehive?
Jimmy
Even at an illegal baby mill, they'd be like, "Yeah, that's okay. We're good."
Jimmy
The world is absolutely lousy with people, and I hate them all. I hate everyone but you.
Yeah. I hate everyone else, too. Now, let's look for clues.
Jimmy
You did something really horrible for us. You went to therapy, and for me you did this. And thus, you deserve as grand a gesture in return. And since I am 100% psychologically sound and do not need therapy of any kind...[kneels and pulls out a ring] Gretchen, extraordinary, confounding Gretchen, she who emits more energy than a dying galaxy, despite not washing her legs, together we transcend the mundanity down there. Separate, it shall eventually consume us and turn us as mundane as them, and to allow that to happen simply because we were scared would be a criminal act.
Jimmy
I made it up.
The article? The Twitter account?
Jimmy
Me.
Jimmy
Oh, no. That was real. No, we were way lucky on that one.
[Gretchen kisses Jimmy]
Jimmy, yeah... Wait. You haven't actually asked yet. I am not doing that again.
Jimmy
Will you marry me?
Yes! [Jimmy puts the ring on her finger] You made a murder for me! Hey, uh, you ever boned down during the Hollywood Bowl fireworks?
Jimmy
I mean, of course.
Yeah, me, too, but not as an engaged person.
Jimmy
I'll get us a hoodie from the car to lie on.
Hurry back. This fits, you know? You lost your dad, but you gained me. We're a family. [Jimmy's smile fades] That's pretty cool, right? We're no longer just whatever we were. We're no longer just us. We're a family now.
[Jimmy takes a hoodie out of the car, then gets inside and drives away]
Jimmy
You know, I almost texted Gretchen again earlier.
Jimmy
No, I didn't do it. I wrote about a hundred drafts, but couldn't get it right. Probably for the best, you know. Out of sight, out of...
[Gretchen bursts into the house, running and stopping abruptly upon seeing Jimmy, who stands up. She slowly steps up to where she is standing over him.]
[The last lines of the series]
Hey, you know that there's always a possibility that someday I might leave my phone and keys at home and step in front of a train. You know that, right?
Jimmy
[after a long pause] Yeah. But I'll move on really quickly. Like, record-setting.
[They begin eating their own and each other's meals]
You're the Worst · 56 quotes
