Yes, Prime Minister · Season 1
[Jim is trying to explain to Dorothy why he's changed his mind about moving her back to her old office]
...That is, if people saw people coming, before people saw them seeing people, people would see people! The whole ship would go off the rails - you see?
Did you work all that out for yourself?
[Sir Humphrey is not happy that Bernard has deprived him of his key to Number 10]
Well, I believe it's the Prime Minister's decision who comes into his house. After all, I don't give my mother-in-law the key to my house.
[furiously] I am not the Prime Minister's mother-in-law, Bernard!
But me no buts, Bernard. Shakespeare.
Oh no, Prime Minister. "But me no buts" is circa 1820. Mrs. Centlivre used the phrase in 1708, but actually it was Scott's employment of it in The Antiquary in 1816 which made it fashionable.
Shall we keep to the point please, Bernard?
I wanted to sound you out about something.
Of course, Prime Minister.
It's about Humphrey. I wonder if he hasn't got rather too much on his plate.
Oh I'm sure he can manage. Tremendously able.
You don't think he is overstretched?
Oh no, got it all under control. No problem there.
I see, because I was wondering, speculating of course, about his position as the head of the civil service.
Ah...
It could make some sense if everything were to be transferred to the Treasury if you think you could do part of Humphrey's job.
Oh... Yes, that could make a lot of sense.
But if as you say he's not overstretched...
Ah, when I say not 'overstretched', I was of course talking in the sense of total cumulative loading taken globally, rather than in respect of certain individual and essentially anomalous responsibilities which are not, logically speaking, consonant or harmonious with the broad spectrum of intermeshing and inseparable functions and could indeed be said to place an excessive and supererogatory burden on the office when considered in relation to the comparatively exiguous advantages of their overall centralization.
You could do part of Humphrey's job!
Prime Minister, I must protest in the strongest possible terms my profound opposition to the newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and will, in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication, and culminate in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis, which will render effectively impossible the coherent and co-ordinated discharge of the function of government within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland!
You mean you've lost your key?
[The PM is considering taking the joint headship of the civil service away from Humphrey and making Frank the full head]
Oh, Frank.
Yes?
Good meeting with the PM?
Yes, very good.
Good. Any particular subject come up?
Any particular subject you're interested in?
No, not particularly. He didn't raise the issue of service appointments and so on?
It may have cropped up.
Did he foreshadow any redistribution of responsibility?
Shall we say it was a wide-ranging discussion.
Did it move towards any conclusion?
There were arguments on both sides.
Evenly balanced?
Perhaps tending slightly more one way than the other.
But nothing to worry about?
Nothing for me to worry about. See you this afternoon.
[Hacker has just had a stormy cabinet meeting over a sudden financial crisis.]
Bernard, Humphrey should have seen this coming and warned me.
I don't think Sir Humphrey understands economics, Prime Minister; he did read Classics, you know.
What about Sir Frank? He's head of the Treasury!
Well I'm afraid he's at an even greater disadvantage in understanding economics: he's an economist.
[Hacker complains about the MP deputation came to him to ask for a pay rise.]
But aren't they underpaid in fact?
Underpaid? Backbench MPs, Darling, being an MP is a vast subsidised ego trip. It's a job for which you need no qualifications, no compulsory hours of work, no performance standards. A warm room and subsidised meals for a bunch of self-opinionated windbags and busybodies who suddenly find people taking them seriously because they got letters "MP" after their names. How can they be underpaid when there're about two hundred applicants for every vacancy? You could fill every seat twenty times over even if they have to pay to do the job.
[Hacker asks Humphrey about the sudden financial crisis.]
Why the sudden crisis? The Treasury must've seen it coming.
Prime Minister, I'm not the Permanent Secretary to the Treasury. You must ask Sir Frank.
What would Sir Frank say?
It is not for a humble mortal such as I to speculate on the complex and elevated deliberations of the mighty. But in general, I think Sir Frank believes that if the Treasury knows something has to be done, the Cabinet shouldn't have too much time to think about it.
But that's an outrageous view!
Yes, indeed. It's known as Treasury policy.
Suppose the Cabinet has questions?
Well I think Sir Frank's view is that on the rare occasions when the Treasury understands the questions, the Cabinet doesn't understand the answers.
Real reductions in the size of the Service?! It'd be the end of civilisation as we know it!
[Bernard is trying to tell Sir Humphrey about a confidential conversation.]
You're speaking in riddles, Bernard.
Oh, thank you, Sir Humphrey.
That was not a compliment, Bernard!
[Hacker is discussing Humphrey's two responsibilities.]
It's so difficult for me, you see, as I'm wearing two hats.
Yes, isn't that rather awkward for you?
Not if one is in two minds.
Or has two faces.
If there were a conflict of interests which side would the civil service really be on?
The winning side, Prime Minister.
I gather we're planning to vote against Israel in the UN tonight.
Of course.
Why?
They bombed the PLO.
But the PLO bombed Israel!
Yes, but the Israelis dropped more bombs than the PLO did.
[Bernard pulls the Prime Minister away from Luke for a private conversation.]
You just said that the Foreign Office was keeping something from me! How do you know if you don't know?
I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know that the Foreign Office always keep everything from everybody. It's normal practice.
Who does know?
May I just clarify the question? You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know and all we know there is something we don't know and we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know! Is that it?
May I clarify the question: Who knows Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?
Oh, that's easy: only the Kremlin.
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