Bernard Woolley quotes from Yes, Prime Minister

Bernard

It's one of those irregular verbs, isn't it: I have an independent mind; you are an eccentric; he is round the twist.

Bernard

That's another of those irregular verbs, isn't it? I give confidential press briefings; you leak; he's being charged under section 2A of the Official Secrets Act.

Bernard

[on the phone] Yes, we will want simultaneous translators. No, not when the PM meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations. Yes, the English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States. With a certain generosity of spirit.

Bernard

[on the phone] No we can't have alphabetical sitting in the Abbey, you would have Iran and Iraq sitting together, plus Jordan and Israel all in the same pew, we would be in danger of starting World War Three. No! I know Ireland begins with an I but No! Ireland doesn’t make it any better, Ireland doesn’t make anything any better.

Bernard

The fact that you needed to know was not known at the time that the now known need to know was known, and therefore those that needed to advise and inform the Home Secretary perhaps felt that the information that he needed as to whether to inform the highest authority of the known information was not yet known, and therefore there was no authority for the authority to be informed because the need to know was not, at that time, known or needed.

Bernard

Prime Minister, isn't conscription a courageous policy?

Hacker

[panicking a bit] Courageous? Oh my God, is it?

Bernard

But he's the Prime Minister!

Sir Humphrey

Indeed he is, Bernard. He has his own car, a nice house in London, a place in the country, endless publicity and a pension for life. What more does he want?

Bernard

I think he wants to govern Britain.

Sir Humphrey

Well, stop him, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey

Bernard, what is the purpose of our defence policy?

Bernard

To defend Britain.

Sir Humphrey

No, Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended.

Bernard

The Russians?

Sir Humphrey

Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it's not.

Will you be wearing those glasses?

Hacker

Oh, well, what do you think?

Well, it's up to you, obviously. With them on, you look authoritative and commanding; with them off, you look honest and open. Which do you want?

Hacker

Well, really, I want to look authoritative and honest.

It's one or the other, really.

Hacker

What about starting with them off, and then just putting them on when I talk?

That just looks indecisive.

Hacker

I see.

Bernard

What about a monocle?

Hacker

[reading a speech written for him] "We shall of course be reviewing a wide range of options over the whole field of government expenditures." Bernard, this doesn't say anything.

Bernard

Oh, thank you, Prime Minister.

Hacker

It's completely lacking impact.

Bernard

You're too kind, Prime Minster.

Hacker

He’s got to learn to come to heel. He’s got to learn to 'co-operate'.

Bernard

What do you mean 'co-operate'?

Hacker

I mean obey my commands! That's what 'co-operate' means when you're Prime Minister.

Bernard

Sir Humphrey's waiting to see you outside.

Hacker

Send him in, at once!

Bernard

Yes, Prime Minister. Your word is my 'co-operation'.

Bernard

Well, I believe it's the Prime Minister's decision who comes into his house. After all, I don't give my mother-in-law the key to my house.

Sir Humphrey

[furiously] I am not the Prime Minister's mother-in-law, Bernard!

But me no buts, Bernard. Shakespeare.

Bernard

Oh no, Prime Minister. "But me no buts" is circa 1820. Mrs. Centlivre used the phrase in 1708, but actually it was Scott's employment of it in The Antiquary in 1816 which made it fashionable.

Shall we keep to the point please, Bernard?

Hacker

Bernard, Humphrey should have seen this coming and warned me.

Bernard

I don't think Sir Humphrey understands economics, Prime Minister; he did read Classics, you know.

Hacker

What about Sir Frank? He's head of the Treasury!

Bernard

Well I'm afraid he's at an even greater disadvantage in understanding economics: he's an economist.

Sir Humphrey

You're speaking in riddles, Bernard.

Bernard

Oh, thank you, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey

That was not a compliment, Bernard!

Sir Humphrey

It's so difficult for me, you see, as I'm wearing two hats.

Hacker

Yes, isn't that rather awkward for you?

Sir Humphrey

Not if one is in two minds.

Bernard

Or has two faces.