James Hacker quotes from Yes, Prime Minister

Hacker

Wouldn't anybody... argue with me?

Serving officers obey orders without question!

Hacker

What if I were to get drunk?

Sir Humphrey

On the whole, it would be safer if you didn't.

Bernard

Prime Minister, isn't conscription a courageous policy?

Hacker

[panicking a bit] Courageous? Oh my God, is it?

Sir Humphrey

With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.

Hacker

I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.

Sir Humphrey

But it's a deterrent.

Hacker

It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.

Sir Humphrey

Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.

Hacker

They probably do.

Sir Humphrey

Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know.

Hacker

They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't.

Sir Humphrey

Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would!

We don't need it. Complete waste of money. Totally unnecessary.

Hacker

Well, that's what I said!

You're right.

Hacker

And the whole defence staff agree?

No, the Navy want to keep it. It's launched from their submarines. Take away Trident, they'd hardly have a role left.

Hacker

And the RAF?

Well, you could ask them if you're interested in the opinion of garage mechanics.

Sir Humphrey

If you walked into a nuclear missile showroom, you would buy Trident. It's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful – it's quite simply the best, and Britain should have the best. In the world of the nuclear missile, it is the Savile Row suit, the Rolls-Royce Corniche, the Château Lafite 1945. It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you. What more can I say?

Hacker

Only that it costs fifteen billion pounds and we don't need it.

Sir Humphrey

Well, you could say that about anything at Harrods!

Will you be wearing those glasses?

Hacker

Oh, well, what do you think?

Well, it's up to you, obviously. With them on, you look authoritative and commanding; with them off, you look honest and open. Which do you want?

Hacker

Well, really, I want to look authoritative and honest.

It's one or the other, really.

Hacker

What about starting with them off, and then just putting them on when I talk?

That just looks indecisive.

Hacker

I see.

Bernard

What about a monocle?

Hacker

[reading a speech written for him] "We shall of course be reviewing a wide range of options over the whole field of government expenditures." Bernard, this doesn't say anything.

Bernard

Oh, thank you, Prime Minister.

Hacker

It's completely lacking impact.

Bernard

You're too kind, Prime Minster.

Hacker

The statistics are irrefutable...

Sir Humphrey

Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics.

Hacker

Even the truth.

Sir Humphrey

Yes... No!

Sir Humphrey

Notwithstanding the fact that your proposal could conceivably encompass certain concomitant benefits of a marginal and peripheral relevance, there is a countervailing consideration of infinitely superior magnitude involving your personal complicity and corroborative malfeasance, with a consequence that the taint and stigma of your former associations and diversions could irredeemably and irretrievably invalidate your position and culminate in public revelations and recriminations of a profoundly embarrassing and ultimately indefensible character.

Hacker

Perhaps I can have a précis of that?

Hacker

He’s got to learn to come to heel. He’s got to learn to 'co-operate'.

Bernard

What do you mean 'co-operate'?

Hacker

I mean obey my commands! That's what 'co-operate' means when you're Prime Minister.

Bernard

Sir Humphrey's waiting to see you outside.

Hacker

Send him in, at once!

Bernard

Yes, Prime Minister. Your word is my 'co-operation'.

People can wait in the lobby or in the state rooms.

Sir Humphrey

Some people, but some people must wait where other people cannot see the people who are waiting; and people who arrive before other people must wait where they cannot see the people who arrive after them being admitted before them; and people who come in from outside must wait where they cannot see the people from inside coming in to tell you what the people from outside have come to see you about; and people who arrive when you are with people they are not supposed to know you have seen must wait somewhere until the people who are not supposed to have seen you have seen you.

...That is, if people saw people coming, before people saw them seeing people, people would see people! The whole ship would go off the rails - you see?

Did you work all that out for yourself?

But me no buts, Bernard. Shakespeare.

Bernard

Oh no, Prime Minister. "But me no buts" is circa 1820. Mrs. Centlivre used the phrase in 1708, but actually it was Scott's employment of it in The Antiquary in 1816 which made it fashionable.

Shall we keep to the point please, Bernard?

I wanted to sound you out about something.

Of course, Prime Minister.

It's about Humphrey. I wonder if he hasn't got rather too much on his plate.

Oh I'm sure he can manage. Tremendously able.

You don't think he is overstretched?

Oh no, got it all under control. No problem there.

I see, because I was wondering, speculating of course, about his position as the head of the civil service.

Ah...

It could make some sense if everything were to be transferred to the Treasury if you think you could do part of Humphrey's job.

Oh... Yes, that could make a lot of sense.

But if as you say he's not overstretched...

Ah, when I say not 'overstretched', I was of course talking in the sense of total cumulative loading taken globally, rather than in respect of certain individual and essentially anomalous responsibilities which are not, logically speaking, consonant or harmonious with the broad spectrum of intermeshing and inseparable functions and could indeed be said to place an excessive and supererogatory burden on the office when considered in relation to the comparatively exiguous advantages of their overall centralization.

You could do part of Humphrey's job!

Sir Humphrey

Prime Minister, I must protest in the strongest possible terms my profound opposition to the newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and will, in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication, and culminate in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis, which will render effectively impossible the coherent and co-ordinated discharge of the function of government within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland!

Hacker

You mean you've lost your key?