Open government, Prime Minister. Freedom of information. We should always tell the press freely and frankly anything that they could easily find out some other way.
S1 E1The Grand Design
Wouldn't anybody... argue with me?
GHGeneral Howard
Serving officers obey orders without question!
What if I were to get drunk?
On the whole, it would be safer if you didn't.
Prime Minister, isn't conscription a courageous policy?
[panicking a bit] Courageous? Oh my God, is it?
With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
But it's a deterrent.
It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.
Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.
They probably do.
Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know.
They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't.
Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would!
GHGeneral Howard
We don't need it. Complete waste of money. Totally unnecessary.
Well, that's what I said!
GHGeneral Howard
You're right.
And the whole defence staff agree?
GHGeneral Howard
No, the Navy want to keep it. It's launched from their submarines. Take away Trident, they'd hardly have a role left.
And the RAF?
GHGeneral Howard
Well, you could ask them if you're interested in the opinion of garage mechanics.
If you walked into a nuclear missile showroom, you would buy Trident. It's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful – it's quite simply the best, and Britain should have the best. In the world of the nuclear missile, it is the Savile Row suit, the Rolls-Royce Corniche, the Château Lafite 1945. It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you. What more can I say?
Only that it costs fifteen billion pounds and we don't need it.
Well, you could say that about anything at Harrods!
S1 E2The Ministerial Broadcast
But he's the Prime Minister!
Indeed he is, Bernard. He has his own car, a nice house in London, a place in the country, endless publicity and a pension for life. What more does he want?
I think he wants to govern Britain.
Well, stop him, Bernard.
Bernard, what is the purpose of our defence policy?
To defend Britain.
No, Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended.
The Russians?
Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it's not.
GGodfrey
Will you be wearing those glasses?
Oh, well, what do you think?
GGodfrey
Well, it's up to you, obviously. With them on, you look authoritative and commanding; with them off, you look honest and open. Which do you want?
Well, really, I want to look authoritative and honest.
GGodfrey
It's one or the other, really.
What about starting with them off, and then just putting them on when I talk?
GGodfrey
That just looks indecisive.
I see.
What about a monocle?
[reading a speech written for him] "We shall of course be reviewing a wide range of options over the whole field of government expenditures." Bernard, this doesn't say anything.
Oh, thank you, Prime Minister.
It's completely lacking impact.
You're too kind, Prime Minster.
S1 E3The Smoke Screen
PSPermanent Secretary for Health
It would be different if the Government were a team, but in fact they're a loose confederation of warring tribes.
The statistics are irrefutable...
Statistics? You can prove anything with statistics.
Even the truth.
Yes... No!
Notwithstanding the fact that your proposal could conceivably encompass certain concomitant benefits of a marginal and peripheral relevance, there is a countervailing consideration of infinitely superior magnitude involving your personal complicity and corroborative malfeasance, with a consequence that the taint and stigma of your former associations and diversions could irredeemably and irretrievably invalidate your position and culminate in public revelations and recriminations of a profoundly embarrassing and ultimately indefensible character.
Perhaps I can have a précis of that?
He’s got to learn to come to heel. He’s got to learn to 'co-operate'.
What do you mean 'co-operate'?
I mean obey my commands! That's what 'co-operate' means when you're Prime Minister.
...
Sir Humphrey's waiting to see you outside.
Send him in, at once!
Yes, Prime Minister. Your word is my 'co-operation'.
S1 E4The Key
[Sir Humphrey is not happy that Hacker has decided to move Dorothy Wainwright back into her old office, which was turned into a waiting room on Sir Humphrey's orders while she was away on holiday.]
JHJim Hacker
People can wait in the lobby or in the state rooms.
Some people, but some people must wait where other people cannot see the people who are waiting; and people who arrive before other people must wait where they cannot see the people who arrive after them being admitted before them; and people who come in from outside must wait where they cannot see the people from inside coming in to tell you what the people from outside have come to see you about; and people who arrive when you are with people they are not supposed to know you have seen must wait somewhere until the people who are not supposed to have seen you have seen you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Yes, Prime Minister pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.