Yes, Prime Minister · Season 1, Episode 6
“A Victory for Democracy” · Season 1, Episode 6
In this episode: James Hacker (4), Sir Humphrey Appleby (3), Bernard Woolley (3)
I gather we're planning to vote against Israel in the UN tonight.
Of course.
Why?
They bombed the PLO.
But the PLO bombed Israel!
Yes, but the Israelis dropped more bombs than the PLO did.
[Bernard pulls the Prime Minister away from Luke for a private conversation.]
You just said that the Foreign Office was keeping something from me! How do you know if you don't know?
I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know that the Foreign Office always keep everything from everybody. It's normal practice.
Who does know?
May I just clarify the question? You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know and all we know there is something we don't know and we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know! Is that it?
May I clarify the question: Who knows Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?
Oh, that's easy: only the Kremlin.
[Hacker has just requested a goodwill visit to St George's Island.]
He [the defence secretary] seemed to think 800 fully armed paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a goodwill visit.
No, it is just an awful lot of goodwill!
Oh, this is nice. The Americans are delighted by our little visit to St. George's Island. That's good, isn't it?
[resigned] Excellent.
They say they have got a whole airborne division ready if we want reinforcements.
[sharply] Reinforcements of what?
Reinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey!
What if the Prime Minister insists we help them?
Then we follow the four-stage strategy.
What's that?
Standard Foreign Office response in a time of crisis.
In stage one we say nothing is going to happen.
Stage two, we say something may be about to happen, but we should do nothing about it.
In stage three, we say that maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we *can* do.
Stage four, we say maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now.
What if he demands options?
Well, it's obvious, Bernard. The Foreign Office will happily present him with three options, two of which are, on close inspection, exactly the same.
Plus a third which is totally unacceptable.
Like bombing Warsaw or invading France.
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