Bernard Woolley quotes from Yes, Prime Minister

Hacker

If there were a conflict of interests which side would the civil service really be on?

Bernard

The winning side, Prime Minister.

Hacker

You just said that the Foreign Office was keeping something from me! How do you know if you don't know?

Bernard

I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know that the Foreign Office always keep everything from everybody. It's normal practice.

Hacker

Who does know?

Bernard

May I just clarify the question? You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know and all we know there is something we don't know and we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know! Is that it?

Hacker

May I clarify the question: Who knows Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?

Bernard

Oh, that's easy: only the Kremlin.

Bernard Woolley

What if the Prime Minister insists we help them?

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Then we follow the four-stage strategy.

Bernard Woolley

What's that?

Standard Foreign Office response in a time of crisis.

In stage one we say nothing is going to happen.

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Stage two, we say something may be about to happen, but we should do nothing about it.

In stage three, we say that maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we *can* do.

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Stage four, we say maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now.

Bernard Woolley

What if he demands options?

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Well, it's obvious, Bernard. The Foreign Office will happily present him with three options, two of which are, on close inspection, exactly the same.

Plus a third which is totally unacceptable.

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Like bombing Warsaw or invading France.

Bernard

The problem is, the prime minister *did* try to suppress the chapter, didn't he.

Sir Humphrey

I don't know, did he?

Bernard

Well, didn't he? Don't you remember?

Sir Humphrey

What I remember is irrelevant, Bernard. If the minutes don't say that he did, then he didn't.

Bernard

So you want me to falsify the minutes?

Sir Humphrey

I want nothing of the sort! It's up to you, Bernard - what do you want?

Bernard

I want to have a clear conscience.

Sir Humphrey

A clear conscience.

Bernard

Yes!

Sir Humphrey

When did you acquire this taste for luxuries? Consciences are for politicians, Bernard! We are humble functionaries whose duty it is to implement the commands of our democratically elected representatives. How could we possibly be doing anything wrong if it has been commanded by those who represent the people?

Sir Humphrey

You choose from a jumble of ill-digested ideas a version which represents the Prime Minister's views as he would, on reflection, have liked them to emerge.

Bernard

But if it's not a true record...

Sir Humphrey

The purpose of minutes is not to record events, it is to protect people. You do not take notes if the Prime Minister says something he did not mean to say, particularly if it contradicts something he has said publicly.

Sir Humphrey

The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.

Hacker

Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey

Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard

Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits.

Sir Humphrey

Bernard, if the right people don’t have power, do you know what happens? The wrong people get it: politicians, councillors, ordinary voters!

Bernard

But aren’t they supposed to, in a democracy?

Sir Humphrey

This is a British democracy, Bernard!

Bernard

If there was a major crisis, you wouldn't need to go at all.

Hacker

Is there a major crisis coming up?

Not really, Prime Minister.

Hacker

Is there a distant crisis, that we could bring forward?

Bernard

I know, what about the death of a cabinet colleague?

Hacker

Ooh, is one imminent?

Well we can hardly hope for that to fall on the right day. Well, not by accident.

Hacker

Dorothy, you've got to help me. This is a real hot potato. If I don't do anything, it could turn into a banana skin.

Bernard

Prime Minister, a hot potato can't become a banana skin.

Hacker

What?

Bernard

Well if you don't do anything, a hot potato just becomes a cold potato.

Bernard

Sir Humphrey, he's very worried that he seems responsible for something that he can't change.

Sir Humphrey

Yes, I'm sure. Responsibility without power: the prerogative of the eunuch throughout the ages.