A character in Yes, Prime Minister
Played by Paul Eddington
Yes, Prime Minister · 67 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Yes, Prime Minister: in 39 of its 67 quotes
Most scenes with: Sir Humphrey Appleby (19), Bernard Woolley (12)
[Hacker has just had a stormy cabinet meeting over a sudden financial crisis.]
HackerBernard, Humphrey should have seen this coming and warned me.
I don't think Sir Humphrey understands economics, Prime Minister; he did read Classics, you know.
HackerWhat about Sir Frank? He's head of the Treasury!
Well I'm afraid he's at an even greater disadvantage in understanding economics: he's an economist.
[Hacker complains about the MP deputation came to him to ask for a pay rise.]
But aren't they underpaid in fact?
HackerUnderpaid? Backbench MPs, Darling, being an MP is a vast subsidised ego trip. It's a job for which you need no qualifications, no compulsory hours of work, no performance standards. A warm room and subsidised meals for a bunch of self-opinionated windbags and busybodies who suddenly find people taking them seriously because they got letters "MP" after their names. How can they be underpaid when there're about two hundred applicants for every vacancy? You could fill every seat twenty times over even if they have to pay to do the job.
[Hacker asks Humphrey about the sudden financial crisis.]
HackerWhy the sudden crisis? The Treasury must've seen it coming.
Prime Minister, I'm not the Permanent Secretary to the Treasury. You must ask Sir Frank.
HackerWhat would Sir Frank say?
It is not for a humble mortal such as I to speculate on the complex and elevated deliberations of the mighty. But in general, I think Sir Frank believes that if the Treasury knows something has to be done, the Cabinet shouldn't have too much time to think about it.
HackerBut that's an outrageous view!
Yes, indeed. It's known as Treasury policy.
HackerSuppose the Cabinet has questions?
Well I think Sir Frank's view is that on the rare occasions when the Treasury understands the questions, the Cabinet doesn't understand the answers.
[Hacker is discussing Humphrey's two responsibilities.]
It's so difficult for me, you see, as I'm wearing two hats.
HackerYes, isn't that rather awkward for you?
Not if one is in two minds.
Or has two faces.
HackerIf there were a conflict of interests which side would the civil service really be on?
The winning side, Prime Minister.
HackerI gather we're planning to vote against Israel in the UN tonight.
Of course.
HackerWhy?
They bombed the PLO.
HackerBut the PLO bombed Israel!
Yes, but the Israelis dropped more bombs than the PLO did.
[Bernard pulls the Prime Minister away from Luke for a private conversation.]
HackerYou just said that the Foreign Office was keeping something from me! How do you know if you don't know?
I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know that the Foreign Office always keep everything from everybody. It's normal practice.
HackerWho does know?
May I just clarify the question? You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know and all we know there is something we don't know and we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know! Is that it?
HackerMay I clarify the question: Who knows Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?
Oh, that's easy: only the Kremlin.
[Hacker has just requested a goodwill visit to St George's Island.]
HackerHe [the defence secretary] seemed to think 800 fully armed paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a goodwill visit.
No, it is just an awful lot of goodwill!
HackerOh, this is nice. The Americans are delighted by our little visit to St. George's Island. That's good, isn't it?
[resigned] Excellent.
HackerThey say they have got a whole airborne division ready if we want reinforcements.
[sharply] Reinforcements of what?
HackerReinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey!
[Lunch with a newspaper editor]
HackerSo I want you to retract that suppression story.
I don't see how I can.
HackerWell, of course you can! You're the editor, aren't you?
Yes, but an editor isn't like a general commanding an army; he's just the ringmaster of a circus. I mean I can book the acts, but I can't tell the acrobats which way to jump!
HackerDon't we ever get our own way with the French?
Well, sometimes.
HackerWhen was the last time?
Battle of Waterloo, 1815.
The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.
HackerDon't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits.
To put it simply, Prime Minister, certain informal discussions took place involving a full and frank exchange of views out of which there arose a series of proposals, which on examination proved to indicate certain promising lines of inquiry, which, when pursued, lead to the realization that the alternative courses of action might, in fact, in certain circumstances, be susceptible of discreet modification, leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing the way to encouraging possibilities of compromise and cooperation, which, if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might, if the climate were right, have a reasonable probability at the end of the day of leading, rightly or wrongly, to a mutually satisfactory resolution.
HackerWhat the hell are you talking about?
We did a deal.
If there was a major crisis, you wouldn't need to go at all.
HackerIs there a major crisis coming up?
Not really, Prime Minister.
HackerIs there a distant crisis, that we could bring forward?
I know, what about the death of a cabinet colleague?
HackerOoh, is one imminent?
Well we can hardly hope for that to fall on the right day. Well, not by accident.
HackerSir Humphrey, I need help.
You do. You do?
HackerI've got to make a speech. It could be very embarrassing.
Oh Prime Minister, your speeches are nothing like as embarrassing as they used to be!
HackerI didn't say the speech would be embarrassing, Sir Humphrey. I said the occasion could be.
Ah, yes, yes, indeed. Why?
HackerIt's to be to a hostile audience of posturing, self-righteous, theatrical drunks.
The House of Commons, you mean?
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