Sir Humphrey Appleby quotes from Yes, Prime Minister

Sir Humphrey

Oh, Frank.

Yes?

Sir Humphrey

Good meeting with the PM?

Yes, very good.

Sir Humphrey

Good. Any particular subject come up?

Any particular subject you're interested in?

Sir Humphrey

No, not particularly. He didn't raise the issue of service appointments and so on?

It may have cropped up.

Sir Humphrey

Did he foreshadow any redistribution of responsibility?

Shall we say it was a wide-ranging discussion.

Sir Humphrey

Did it move towards any conclusion?

There were arguments on both sides.

Sir Humphrey

Evenly balanced?

Perhaps tending slightly more one way than the other.

Sir Humphrey

But nothing to worry about?

Nothing for me to worry about. See you this afternoon.

Hacker

Why the sudden crisis? The Treasury must've seen it coming.

Sir Humphrey

Prime Minister, I'm not the Permanent Secretary to the Treasury. You must ask Sir Frank.

Hacker

What would Sir Frank say?

Sir Humphrey

It is not for a humble mortal such as I to speculate on the complex and elevated deliberations of the mighty. But in general, I think Sir Frank believes that if the Treasury knows something has to be done, the Cabinet shouldn't have too much time to think about it.

Hacker

But that's an outrageous view!

Sir Humphrey

Yes, indeed. It's known as Treasury policy.

Hacker

Suppose the Cabinet has questions?

Sir Humphrey

Well I think Sir Frank's view is that on the rare occasions when the Treasury understands the questions, the Cabinet doesn't understand the answers.

Sir Humphrey

You're speaking in riddles, Bernard.

Bernard

Oh, thank you, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey

That was not a compliment, Bernard!

Sir Humphrey

It's so difficult for me, you see, as I'm wearing two hats.

Hacker

Yes, isn't that rather awkward for you?

Sir Humphrey

Not if one is in two minds.

Bernard

Or has two faces.

Hacker

Oh, this is nice. The Americans are delighted by our little visit to St. George's Island. That's good, isn't it?

Sir Humphrey

[resigned] Excellent.

Hacker

They say they have got a whole airborne division ready if we want reinforcements.

Sir Humphrey

[sharply] Reinforcements of what?

Hacker

Reinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey!

Bernard Woolley

What if the Prime Minister insists we help them?

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Then we follow the four-stage strategy.

Bernard Woolley

What's that?

Standard Foreign Office response in a time of crisis.

In stage one we say nothing is going to happen.

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Stage two, we say something may be about to happen, but we should do nothing about it.

In stage three, we say that maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we *can* do.

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Stage four, we say maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now.

Bernard Woolley

What if he demands options?

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Well, it's obvious, Bernard. The Foreign Office will happily present him with three options, two of which are, on close inspection, exactly the same.

Plus a third which is totally unacceptable.

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Like bombing Warsaw or invading France.

In such an awful country, they cut people's hands off and women get stoned when they commit adultery.

Sir Humphrey

Unlike Britain, where they commit adultery when they get stoned.

Soames has been waiting for a bishopric for years.

Sir Humphrey

Long time, no see.

Sir Humphrey

So what do you think I should do, Arnold?

[calmly pours his coffee] Hmm, difficult. Depends a bit on whether you actually were spying or not. [notices Sir Humphrey's horrified expression] One must keep an open mind.

Sir Humphrey

But I couldn't have been! I wasn't at Cambridge!

If once they accepted the principle that senior Civil Servants could be removed for incompetence, that would be the thin end of the wedge. We could lose dozens of our chaps. Hundreds, perhaps.

Sir Humphrey

Thousands.

Bernard

The problem is, the prime minister *did* try to suppress the chapter, didn't he.

Sir Humphrey

I don't know, did he?

Bernard

Well, didn't he? Don't you remember?

Sir Humphrey

What I remember is irrelevant, Bernard. If the minutes don't say that he did, then he didn't.

Bernard

So you want me to falsify the minutes?

Sir Humphrey

I want nothing of the sort! It's up to you, Bernard - what do you want?

Bernard

I want to have a clear conscience.

Sir Humphrey

A clear conscience.

Bernard

Yes!

Sir Humphrey

When did you acquire this taste for luxuries? Consciences are for politicians, Bernard! We are humble functionaries whose duty it is to implement the commands of our democratically elected representatives. How could we possibly be doing anything wrong if it has been commanded by those who represent the people?

Sir Humphrey

You choose from a jumble of ill-digested ideas a version which represents the Prime Minister's views as he would, on reflection, have liked them to emerge.

Bernard

But if it's not a true record...

Sir Humphrey

The purpose of minutes is not to record events, it is to protect people. You do not take notes if the Prime Minister says something he did not mean to say, particularly if it contradicts something he has said publicly.

Hacker

Don't we ever get our own way with the French?

Sir Humphrey

Well, sometimes.

Hacker

When was the last time?

Sir Humphrey

Battle of Waterloo, 1815.

Sir Humphrey

The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.

Hacker

Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey

Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard

Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits.