Sir Humphrey Appleby quotes from Yes, Prime Minister

Sir Humphrey

Bernard, if the right people don’t have power, do you know what happens? The wrong people get it: politicians, councillors, ordinary voters!

Bernard

But aren’t they supposed to, in a democracy?

Sir Humphrey

This is a British democracy, Bernard!

Sir Humphrey

To put it simply, Prime Minister, certain informal discussions took place involving a full and frank exchange of views out of which there arose a series of proposals, which on examination proved to indicate certain promising lines of inquiry, which, when pursued, lead to the realization that the alternative courses of action might, in fact, in certain circumstances, be susceptible of discreet modification, leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing the way to encouraging possibilities of compromise and cooperation, which, if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might, if the climate were right, have a reasonable probability at the end of the day of leading, rightly or wrongly, to a mutually satisfactory resolution.

Hacker

What the hell are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey

We did a deal.

It's the old logical fallacy: "all cats have fours legs, my dog has four legs...

Sir Humphrey

...therefore my dog is a cat."

He's suffering from politician's logic.

Sir Humphrey

"Something must be done, this is something, therefore we must do it."

But doing the wrong thing is worse than doing nothing.

Sir Humphrey

Doing anything is worse than doing nothing.

Hacker

Sir Humphrey, I need help.

Sir Humphrey

You do. You do?

Hacker

I've got to make a speech. It could be very embarrassing.

Sir Humphrey

Oh Prime Minister, your speeches are nothing like as embarrassing as they used to be!

Hacker

I didn't say the speech would be embarrassing, Sir Humphrey. I said the occasion could be.

Sir Humphrey

Ah, yes, yes, indeed. Why?

Hacker

It's to be to a hostile audience of posturing, self-righteous, theatrical drunks.

Sir Humphrey

The House of Commons, you mean?

Hacker

They do some good.

Sir Humphrey

They don't, Prime Minister! They hardly do anything at all.

Hacker

Well let's abolish them!

Sir Humphrey

No, no, no, no!

Bernard

Sir Humphrey, he's very worried that he seems responsible for something that he can't change.

Sir Humphrey

Yes, I'm sure. Responsibility without power: the prerogative of the eunuch throughout the ages.

Hacker

I think education is extremely important. It could lose me the next election.

Sir Humphrey

Ah! In my naivety, I thought you were concerned about the future of our children.

Hacker

Yes, that too. After all, they get the vote at 18.

Hacker

[reading from a list of quiz questions] Maths has become politicized - "If it costs 5 billion pounds a year to maintain Britain's nuclear defenses, and 75 pounds a year to feed a starving African child, how many African children could be saved from starvation if the Ministry of Defense abandoned nuclear weapons?"

Sir Humphrey

That's easy, none. They'd spend it all on conventional weapons.

Hacker

Education in this country is a disaster. We're supposed to be preparing children for a working life. Three-quarters of the time, they're bored stiff!

Sir Humphrey

Well, I should have thought that being bored stiff for three-quarters of the time was an excellent preparation for working life.

Hacker

The school leaving age was raised to 16 so they could learn more, and they're learning less.

Sir Humphrey

We didn't raise it to enable them to learn more, we raised it to keep teenagers off the job market and hold down the unemployment figures.

Hacker

Are you saying there's nothing wrong with education in this country?

Sir Humphrey

No, of course not Prime Minister, it's a joke! It's always been a joke! And as long as your leave it in the hands of the local councillors, it will remain a joke. I mean, half of them are your enemies anyway, and the other half are the sort of friends who make you prefer your enemies.

Hacker

Well, what are you saying?

Sir Humphrey

I'm saying that education will never get any better as long as it's subject to all that tomfoolery in the town halls. I mean, just imagine what would happen if you put defense in the hands of the local authorities.

Hacker

Defense?

Sir Humphrey

Yes, give the local councils 100 million each and ask them to defend themselves. We wouldn't have to worry about the Russians, we'd have a civil war in three weeks!

Sir Humphrey

Unfortunately, although the answer was indeed clear, simple, and straightforward, there is some difficulty in justifiably assigning to it the fourth of the epithets you applied to the statement, inasmuch as the precise correlation between the information you communicated and the facts, insofar as they can be determined and demonstrated, is such as to cause epistemological problems, of sufficient magnitude as to lay upon the logical and semantic resources of the English language a heavier burden than they can reasonably be expected to bear.

Hacker

Epistemological — what are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey

You told a lie.

Hacker

A lie?

Sir Humphrey

A lie.

Hacker

What do you mean, a lie?

Sir Humphrey

I mean you… lied. Yes, I know this is a difficult concept to get across to a politician. You… ah yes, you did not tell the truth.

Hacker

You mean we are bugging Hugh Halifax's telephones?

Sir Humphrey

We were.

Hacker

We were? When did we stop?

Sir Humphrey

[checks his watch] Seventeen minutes ago.