Yes, Minister · Season 3
[How to deal with a nonsensical complaint]
We can CGSM it.
CGSM?
Civil Service code, Minister. It stands for "Consignment of Geriatric Shoe Manufacturers".
What?
A load of old cobblers, Minister.
I'm not a civil servant. I shall use my own code. I shall write: "Round Objects".
You remember that letter you wrote "Round Objects" on?
Oh yes.
It's come back from Sir Humphrey's office. He's commented on it.
What does he say?
Who is Round and to what does he object?
Now, Minister, if you are going to promote women just because they're the best person for the job, you will create a lot of resentment throughout the whole of the Civil Service!
The three articles of Civil Service faith: it takes longer to do things quickly, it's more expensive to do them cheaply and it's more democratic to do them in secret.
Life is so much easier when ministers think they've achieved something; it stops them fretting, and their little temper tantrums.
Yes, but now he wants to introduce his next idea.
A minister with two ideas? I can't remember when we last had one of those.
[talking about nuclear fallout shelters] Well, you have the weapons; you must have the shelters.
I sometimes wonder why we need the weapons.
Minister! You're not a unilateralist?
I sometimes wonder, you know.
Well, then, you must resign from the government!
Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not that unilateralist! Anyway, the Americans will always protect us from the Russians, won't they?
Russians? Who's talking about the Russians?
Well, the independent deterrent.
It's to protect us against the French!
The French?! But that's astounding!
Why?
Well they're our allies, our partners.
Well, they are now, but they've been our enemies for the most of the past 900 years. If they've got the bomb, we must have the bomb!
If it's for the French, of course, that's different. Makes a lot of sense.
Yes. Can't trust the Frogs.
You can say that again!
If local authorities don't send us statistics, Government figures will be a nonsense.
Why?
They'll be incomplete.
Government figures are a nonsense, anyway.
I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense.
[on the phone] Hello, Graham, it's Bernard. Tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout. Yes, yes, AWOL. Well, of course I told him, yes. I know. I think you'd better let him know right away.
[hangs up]
One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... TEN.
[walks in on the stroke of ten] What's all this about?
The minister's just left the office, that's all.
That's all? Do you mean he's loose in the building? Why didn't you warn me?
I did advise him, but he is the minister. There's no prohibition against ministers talking to their staff.
Who's he talking to?
Perhaps he was just restless.
If the minister's restless, he can feed the ducks in St James's Park!
Yes, Sir Humphrey.
Tell me who the minister's talking to.
Well, surely the minister can talk to anyone?
Bernard... I'm in the middle of writing your annual report. Now, it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst I am in a bad temper. Who's the minister talking to?
Perhaps you could help me. I can see that you should know if he calls on an outsider. I fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to, to take a hypothetical example, to check a point with... Dr Cartwright...
Thank you, Bernard. Must fly.
Room 4017.
I know!
Bernard, how did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr Cartwright?
God moves in a mysterious way.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Humphrey is not God, OK?
Will you tell him or shall I?
Get Humphrey to come back here at once.
Yes, Minister. [Picks up phone] The Minister wonders if Sir Humphrey could spare time for a meeting sometime in the next few days.
At once.
In fact, sometime today is really...
At once!
...Sometime during the next 60 seconds. [hangs up] He's coming round now.
Why? Did he faint?
No, he's just, you know...
[they both start giggling]
This is serious, Bernard.
Yes, I know.
This is no laughing matter.
No, certainly not.
The question is, how am I going to deal with it?
In my opinion...
The question was purely rhetorical, Bernard.
The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume; but not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.
I beg your pardon?
It was... I.
How am I going to explain the missing documents to the Mail?
Well, this is what we normally do in circumstances like these.
[passes Hacker a memo]
"This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents, a few others which are part of still active files, some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967..." Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?
No, a marvellous winter. We lost no end of embarrassing files.
"...Some records which went astray in the move to London and others when the War Office was incorporated in the Ministry of Defence, and the normal withdrawal of papers whose publication could give grounds for an action for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments". That's pretty comprehensive. How many does that normally leave for them to look at?
How many does it actually leave? About a hundred?... Fifty?... Ten?... Five?... Four?... Three?... Two?... One?... Zero?
Yes, Minister.
Well, obviously I'm not a trained lawyer or I wouldn't have been in charge of the legal unit!
Isn't this terrible? Print baseless accusations like this!
Oh, yes, yes, terrible.
Baksheesh, palm-greasing! Good God, we're British!
Absolutely, Minister!
Still, it's not like the FT to print a story like this unless there's something behind it. Is there something behind it, Humphrey?
I think the sports news is behind it.
I want to know the truth, Humphrey.
I don't think you do, Minister.
Will you answer a direct question?
I strongly advise you not to ask a direct question.
Why?
It might provoke a direct answer.
It never has yet.
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