"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." - Mark Twain
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[smiling] Nailed it. [saves the third draft of his suicide letter]
[appearing to Ryan as a man in a dog suit, rather than an actual dog] Very nice. Some sofas it is impossible to get comfortable on.
[speaking to his sister about the job she has arranged for him] Do you really think working in contract administration will make me happy?
KKristen
You think I love squeezing out babies twenty-four seven? Nobody’s happy. It's all about perception.
[Ryan looks back at Wilfred]
Don't worry, I ain't gonna bite you. I can smell your fear like I can smell the sour milk in your fridge. I'm seven years old, and too wise for lies. [smokes from a homemade water bong] You're not going to work today, Ryan. [passes a toke]
[Ryan wakes up to Wilfred digging a hole in his back yard]
It's anxiety. Jenna's been away too long. She's a goner, I'm sure of it. She's probably choked on piece of lego or something
[Wilfred and Ryan have just broken into their noisy neighbor Spencer's house, stolen his marijuana plants, and defecates in his boots]
[to Ryan] When was the last time you ever felt this good? It's called living, mate. Trust your instincts. No more doubt. No fear. Welcome to your new life.
"Trust thyself only, and another shall not betray thee." - Thomas Fuller
[to Ryan] Everything has to do with everything.
"Fear has its uses but cowardice has none." - Mahatma Ghandi
[referring to an Indian neighbor] It's not like I was gonna bite her. Last time I had Indian, it gave me the shits for a week!
[referring to Spencer, whose house Ryan and Wilfred had broken into and whose boots they had defecated in] That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood. You need to put that asshole in his place.
What's the point of a confrontation? I'd just get my ass kicked.
So what? That'd be less painful than walking around in constant fear.
What would you suggest I do?
March over there, look him straight in the eyes, and say, "I'm the man who shat in your boot." And bend him over and root him right up the ass.
[perplexed] You want me to have sex with him?
It's called domination. That's how dogs handle it and, believe me, it's very effective.
[shocked] And have you done this with another dog?
Every goddamn day.
I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do something like that.
[shrugging] Well, then you have no imagination.
[talking to a dog] If only that were true.
[referring to Spencer] Why the hell would you leave my wallet outside his window?
I don't know, Ryan. Why is the sky grey? Why is the grass grey? Why is a rainbow grey, grey, grey, grey, grey and infra-grey?
A bone? That's like giving a basketball to a black guy.
"Happiness can exist only in acceptance." - George Orwell
[after Ryan tells him he can't do a band practice meeting due to going to help his sister] You're breaking up the band. I can't believe it!
Calm down!
Yeah, that's what John Lennon said before he ran off and got nude with that Asian bitch!
Don't be racist.
How can I be racist? I'm incapable of seeing color.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Wilfred pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.