PMr. Patel
My friend, I feel great shame for accusing you unjustly. I will not sleep well tonight, but tomorrow during the day I'll take a long nap.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
"Doubt must be no more than vigilance, otherwise it can become dangerous." - George C. Lichtenberg
I wasn't going to tell you, because you've been acting so negative lately, but I'm going on a date tomorrow night.
[mockingly] A date? With who?
[nervously] No one. Just... someone I met.
Met where?
Well, I... [glances towards his laptop]
[Wilfred runs over to the laptop and opens it]
[haltingly] No.
"LoveMatchDating.com"?
Oh, my God!
Please tell me that donkey-faced thing with the braces is not the chick you're going out with.
Ryan (protesting): She doesn't have braces!
Yeah, you just can't see them, cause they're probably on her legs. How do you think she supports that massive donkey face?
I think she's a great match for me.
She's a partner at a marketing firm, she enjoys fitness, and she's looking for a long-term relationship.
It's way too soon for that. Let me find you a nice 'hit-it-and-quit-it' chick.
[Wilfred sits on the couch and browses through profiles on the website.]
Gross. Out of your league. Lazy eye. Balding Asian grandmother. Gross! Ooh! Here we go. [showing the page to Ryan] "Angelique"!
Ryan (shocked/disgusted): Are you kidding?
Are you kidding? "Favorite music: all types." This chick must be, like, an expert in music!
Wilfred... This thing we have. The way we communicate. Have you ever had this sort of relationship with anyone else?
Why do you ask?
Ryan Have you?
It happened once before. I was at a party. And this guy looked right at me and said: "Hey! What's up, dog? I see you. And I know what you're up to." And I said, "well, I see you too. If you got something to say, say it." Turns out he was talking to the guy right behind me, who had been banging his wife. Ryan, please tell me there's not been a guy standing right behind me ever since we've met?
So nobody else?
You're one of a kind, Ryan.
I really think I'm gonna be alright.
Of course you are. I'm not going anywhere.
BBruce
You convinced me to make out with my own father.
Everybody at the party loved it. They thought it was edgy.
BBruce
Wilfred ruined my life, and you know what? You're next.
What did you do with my hair? I distinctly remember leaving it right here, all over the place.
"Love is a willingness to sacrifice." - Michael Novak
I swear, it's like as soon as you take the dick out of Bears mouth it's just blah blah blah (making a talking hand gesture)
Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
Friends? What, you thought we were actually...[laughs] That is hilarious. And a little embarrassing for you, because I never really saw us like that.
PMr. Patel
How much for this piece of shit flatscreen TV?
You're selling the TV? That's the cornerstone of our friendship!
Ryan, I've always had your best interest at heart, and I've never asked for anything in return...except for a bunch of stuff.
JJenna
Wilfred pooped on your lawn.
There is symbolism in that poop Ryan...and some grass...and half a slipper.
I was gonna get it on Kindle, but then people couldn't see how deep I am.
"The value of identity is that so often with it comes purpose." - Richard R. Grant
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Wilfred pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.