So far we'd learnt that if there are any joys to caravanning they certainly weren't to be had on the journey. All we'd done on the way to Dorset is crash into things, bicker, get cautioned by the police, cause a lot of jams, have a puncture, clear up some dog sick, have a noisy disgusting picnic at the side of the road and get stuck.
“July 16th, 2006” · Season 8, Episode 6
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (29), Richard Hammond (20), James May (17)
But after six hours we finally arrived at Caravancatraz.
Oh no, Jeremy it's worse... over there. That's not a sign you ever want to read on your holiday. [points to a sign that reads: "Toilet Chemical Disposal Only"]
[After Richard is "abducted" by an elderly fan in a neighbouring caravan]
What's Hammond doing with the dog?
The dog went in with him.
Really?
Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.
It is amazing upholstery, I went in there and I immediately wanted a curry.
[peeking in the caravan after they park up] Ohh... [seeing shattered dishes on the floor] Oh no.
Ooh!
Oh, dear.
[laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...
[the caravan tips back as they all enter]
AAll
Woah!
Oh my God!
You've got to put the legs down first.
We're not brilliant at this are we?
Ow!
Was that your finger?
[singsong voice] There's gonna be swearing!
Here it is!
Wow. Star Trek!
[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]
That's not a bed, is it?
[laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!
I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!
What a reward!
You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!
You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!
[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]
What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might-- I thought--
That's an AK-47.
I know. I thought I might need it.
Why?
A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?
You're not a practical man, are you?
Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.
I like it.
I like it. It's nice... it's homey.
No, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Oh good, a train!
Nice, that's nice.
Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
It's alright. It's romantic.
Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!
I'm gonna go off and I'm gonna find one of those ruddy-faced farmers and his organic, rosy-cheeked wife, and get some free-range eggs and... grass-fed bacon, and all that local produce.
How do I "Release The Excrements"?
Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!
[on taking a caravan holiday]
Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."
[complaining about the camp site] You aren't allowed to have a fire, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to play music, you have to be in bed by eleven, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you can't have anything. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.