The Young Ones · Season 1
(When asked about his night he spent with the girl, but he has no recollection of what happened.)
(awkward) Well... it was... sort of... sort of... sexy.
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick.
Go into really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.
Well, I'm gonna bend over and open my mouth. And wait for the muscles of my alimentary canal to go into spasm...
No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick.
It was incredible. We did everything.
[Recording with a tape recorder] Like what?
Umm, everything. At one point, she even took her bra off! So I took off my dungarees...
[Vyvyan promptly throws up.]
I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep.
(Look at Rick) Eh?
No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I?
Were you? You weren't when I woke up.
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you.
Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding...
Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN!
I'M NOT! I'm not a...
Virgin, virgin, virgin!
Vyvyan! Where'd you get that Howitzer?!
Found it.
Well you can put it back this instant, young man!
I will, I will. Just as soon as I've blown you to pieces!
Sayle [as John Cleese doing a Silly Walk]: 'Scuse me, is this a cheese shop?
No, sir.
[to camera] Well, that's that sketch knackered then, innit?
What's a good thing for a hangover?
Drinking heavily the night before.
Alright, if I'm a virgin, how come I know what a girl's bottom looks like?
(Pause)
From looking in the mirror.
Damn!
Who are you?
I'm a Knight, of the Square Table.
'Square' Table?
Well, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool and hip enough to be at the Round Table, on account of some of my suits of armour still have flares.
You can't get much squarer than that.
No shut up, Mike! [To Knight] There's nothing wrong with flares.
Neil, have you upset the neigbours?
No, Mike, I've blown them up.
Phew! And who said Sunday was day of rest?
God did.
That's right! I knew it was someone Tory.
I don't know what it is, but every time I pull at Neil's ankles big flakes of crusty skin come off underneath my fingernails.
That's only his cornflakes, Michael. He keeps them in his socks to stop me from stealing them.
What a nerdy! [to audience] I just initial mine individually with sticky labels.
[to audience] That doesn't worry me. I just eat the labels as well.
I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo!
Too bloody right, Neil! Everybody panic!
Where were we?... Ah, yes. Virgin.
Yeah. Argh!
(chases Rick up the stairs) Virgin! Virgin!
Amazulu.
Oh, is that right? I'm a Glaswegian.
[Vyvyan is trying to blow up Rick with his howitzer for not admitting to be a virgin.]
No, Vyvyan! Please! Look, you were right and I was wrong. I am a virgin.
Not for long, matey! [fires at Rick again]
Vyv, will you zip it, you're giving me tunnel vision!
STOP SHOUTING NEIL!!
Stop shouting yourself!
I AM NOT SHOUTING!!
Yes, you are!
I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!!
[Rick starts yelling like a baby, whilst Vyvyan lights a Molotov cocktail]
It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living.
[Vyvyan throws the Molotov cocktail into Rick's bedroom, which explodes]
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!
Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.
Why aren't you dead?!
I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.
[Takes out paper and pencil]
You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.
Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!
What this? [Holding a fish]
It's a fish, mate.
Oh, thanks.
[writing] Dear Mr. Echo....
Why did I do that?
Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?
Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants!
Oh, stop being so blinking bourgeoisie! All property is theft, Vyvyan.
All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? (...)
Hang on a minute, I haven't finish my sentence. I meant to say: What's this fish doing in my bed?
It's not in your bed, Mike.
Mike': Oh yeah. Right, right, yeah. Thanks Vyv.
[takes Rick's coin purse, removes some money] Ha ha! Found it!
You put that back! That's my personal property!
You just said all property is theft, Rick.
Well, yes, it is.
Yeah, so I'm nicking it.
Stop! Thief! Thief!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
