Damon Salvatore quotes from The Vampire Diaries

Klaus

Your brother's lack of communication is infuriating.

Damon

It's one of his trademarks, like his brooding and his hair.

Elena

Is anyone else a little creeped out?

Rebekah

So, then leave. Out of everyone, your presence is the least necessary.

Stefan

Please don't start.

Rebekah

I'm merely stating the facts. Jeremy has the spell on his body. Bonnie's the witch that unseals the cure. Shane is the human compass. You and I have the tombstone, which does God knows what. And Elena has no point.

Damon

What about me?

Rebekah

You have a nice behind.

Something bothering you?

Damon

Would you believe me if I said mosquitos?

Oh, aye, I would. How does it feel when a relentless eating machine is draining the blood from your veins?

Damon

Itchy.

Do your friends in Mystic Falls think you're funny, Damon?

Rebekah

You're alive?

Damon

Yeah.

Rebekah

Why didn't you go with them?

Damon

I needed a siesta.

Rebekah

You gave up, didn't you?

Damon

I didn't give up. I just realized... you can't control everything... no matter how hard you try. Let's just say that I made peace with that fact.

Rebekah

Peace? You love Elena. You always will. If she becomes human, she may not feel the same way about you. You'll never know peace.

Damon

Life suck. Get a helmet.

Rebekah

You did something selfless, Damon. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were becoming a halfway decent person.

Damon

(tied to a rope as they walk through the woods) Mind telling me where we're going?

At the wishing well lies an entrance to a crypt. In the crypt lies Silas. And with Silas lies the cure, which will allow me to kill Silas, bring the mission of the brotherhood of the Five to an end. You're my leverage, Damon. I use you to get your witch friend to open the passage to Silas' crypt for me.

Damon

What a minute, you're using me to get to Bonnie Bennett? Whoa, brother, ha! You picked the wrong vampire.

I guess we'll see about that.

Damon

Here's the deal, Shrek. My witch friend will open the passage for you. No leverage necessary. We don't care about Silas. All we want is the cure, so you cut us in on your share, and we'll get out of your hair.

Damon

Here's the thing. I was completely willing to accept the fact that you were one man on a lonely mission to kill ol' Silas, and then I got boned by my vixen nemesis miss Katherine Pierce, and then I start thinking there's no way that this is a coincidence. So what do you know, huh? (to Rebekah) Took you long enough.

Rebekah

Sorry. I had to dig the arrow out of my spine. Thank you for that.

Damon

Well, if you want a lead on Katherine Pierce, here's your guy.

Torture me all you want. You can't kill me. The Hunter's curse will torment you forever.

Damon

It will be worth it.

Rebekah

He's right. You can't kill him, but that doesn't mean we can't tear him apart piece by piece, nerve by nerve until the pain is so severe, that your brain shuts it off to give you one tiny moment of blessed relief, and then we'll heal you and do it again and again and again.

Damon

You are creepy.

Rebekah

Thank you.

I was tracking dens of vampires across Colorado. Katherine found me, said she could help me find Silas. She already knew about the Hunter's mark, the cure.

Rebekah

How?

Oh, she has someone on the inside, some werewolf girl, friends with your professor.

Damon

Hayley, Tyler Lockwood's old friend. Ah, I knew she was shady. Where'd Katherine find her.

New Orleans. That's all I know.

Damon

Ah. Good. Let's throw him in a well. If he starves to death, it's not our fault. I'm going to find Bonnie.

Rebekah

We've got a lead on the cure, Damon. I'm going to find it, but I suppose you don't mind. You never wanted Elena to be human again, anyway.

Damon

I wanted the cure for her because it's what she wanted. You might think I'm afraid to go back, but I'm not because I know what she needs. She needs me to bring her best friend home.

Klaus

Ah, what an unpleasant surprise.

Damon

So I just came up with a list called things you suck at. Number one: finding Katherine, ever. Number two: covering up your secret phone conversations to that little backstabbing Hayley. Yeah, so where is she, and what does she know about Katherine?

Klaus

I should help you? After you lot killed my brother and imprisoned me in the Gilbert living room.

Damon

You might want to prioritize Klaus, you have much bigger problems. Katherine has the cure. My guess is she's gonna want to cram it down your throat. You help me find Katherine., I'll get the cure, I'll give it to Elena, everybody wins.

You're that serial killer, aren't you? The Son of Sam.

Damon

Son of Giuseppe, but close enough.

Stefan

Wait. What do you mean you took her to New York?

Damon

And that tone is the reason I didn't pick up the phone the first 20 times you called.

Stefan

Where is she now?

Damon

Out exploring. Maybe she's eating a hot dog or vendor.

Lexi

You're not even covering your tracks. We heard about you back in Mystic Falls.

Damon

So Stefan sent you. Hmm. I though we were on the off part of our endless on-again, off-again, eternity-of-misery cycle.

Rebekah

Wow, she [Lexi] sounds dreadful.

Damon

She had a Mother Teresa complex.

Elena

So let me guess. After many dark nights with Lexi, she convinced you to turn your emotions back on, and that's exactly what you plan to do with me. Hmm.

Damon

You read the last page of a book first, too?

Stefan

How's the cure search going?

Damon

Ah. Not great. I mean, it's no massacre in the making, but Rebekah trailed us here. Then in addition to my buddy being a brilliant identity thief, he's also a hoarder.

Stefan

What are you trying to find?

Damon

Will had a repeat customer, 5'7" brunette. Said she was a runner.

Stefan

Katherine.

Damon

Turns out I was helping her run from me. Ironic. Problem is I'm pretty sure that this filing system goes by birthdate, but I can't for the life of me remember Katherine's.

Stefan

June 5, 1473.

Damon

And that, brother, is why you are the better boyfriend.

Stefan

Damon, what did you do?

Damon

Lets just say it involves a 5'7" brunette and her blonde accomplice.

Stefan

Please don't tell me this is going where I think it is.

Damon

Wrong fantasy, brother. Unless you're into betrayal and snapped necks.

Lexi

That explains it. Your switch is flipped.

Damon

Ugh. Would you mind? I can't even hear my prey over your constant babbling.

Elena

So let me guess. After many dark nights with Lexi, she convinced you to turn your emotions back on, and that's exactly what you plan to do with me. Hmm.

Damon

You read the last page of the book first, too? I'm gonna go get a drink. Many drinks. (goes to the bar)

Rebekah

So you really buy all this?

Elena

Not one bit. I know he's after the cure. I'm not stupid.

Rebekah

Well, let's not say things we don't mean.