Damon Salvatore quotes from The Vampire Diaries

Stefan

So, at the risk of sounding like, uh...like a jealous boyfriend...

Damon

Oh, there's no risk. You do.

Stefan

History will not be repeating itself where Elena is concerned. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Damon

Sure, sure.

Damon

Am I the only one around here who has the ability to put two and two together? Isobel! Helloooo! She dated John when she was 15; she gets pregnant, and ends up in the doctor's office of John's brother. Now, what do you think John's role is in all this? I mean, go ahead and think about it, I'll wait. (pauses) Did you get it? You there yet?

Stefan

So you think that John is Elena's father?

Damon

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Stefan

What proof do you have?

Damon

I don't need any proof - that's a DNA test for John, Elena, and Maury Povich to deal with. But I know how well you deal with these big "bombshells", so... Sleep tight.

Damon

Oh, and when you do tell Elena, and she needs a friend to talk to about anything...I'm here for her.

Stefan

What are you doing here?

Damon

Why wouldn't I be here? It's Founder's Day! I'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl.

Stefan

Don't start with me, Damon.

Damon

Oh, you started it, Stefan, with the whole "I'm insecure, leave Elena alone" speech. I'm just enjoying that.

Stefan

As long as you heard it.

Damon

(pretends not to hear him) Huh? What?

Damon

I wanna say something to you.

Bonnie

Just leave me alone.

Damon

Thank you. The device in Emily's spell could have killed me. I don't take what you did lightly, so... thank you.

Bonnie

(nonplussed) I did it for Elena.

Damon

I know that, but I'm still very grateful. And... I owe you.

Elena

Is that an insult?

Damon

Actually, Elena, it is a compliment of the highest order.

Elena

So, I think you should stop with the flirty little comments and that...eye thing that you do.

Damon

(quirks his eyebrows) What "eye thing"?

Damon

(mockingly) I have so many emotions, but I don't have any way to express them. Being a teenager is so hard!

Jeremy

You're a dick!

Damon

(grabs him) You do not talk to me like that. I'm not your sister. And from now on, don't talk to your sister that way, either.

Jeremy

So, you're going to kill me just because I hurt Elena's feelings?

Damon

Cut her some slack!

Jeremy

She erased my memories.

Damon

No, I did. She was protecting you.

Jeremy

It wasn't her call to make.

Jeremy

Let go of me before I cause a scene.

Damon

You'd be unconscious before you even got a word out.

Stefan

Elena's relationship with her brother is none of your business, so stay out of it.

Damon

Oh, there's only one do-gooder, hero role available? My bad, I'm sorry.

Stefan

Get over yourself. We both know that you're not doing this for the right reasons.

Damon

See, there you go with that little jealousy act again. It's just, what are the right reasons, Stefan? I mean, enlighten me! Please!

Stefan

See, Damon, it's only real when it comes from your desire to do the right thing for nothing in return.

Damon

Right...

Stefan

Yeah, and I know that that is an entirely foreign concept to you. I completely understand that you wouldn't get it.

Damon

You keep those nifty little vamp weapons in your car?

Alaric

Yeah, why do you ask?

Damon

Because this square is crawling with tomb vampires. I think we might need a stake or two.

Damon

Saving your life, in 15 words or less. Tomb vamps are here, founding families are their target. [to Stefan] Get her out of here, now!

Stefan

Wait, where are you going?

Damon

That's more than 15 words, Stefan.

Damon

Mayor? Is that you?

Mayor Lockwood

What are you doing here?!

Damon

I'm a vampire. What's your excuse?

Jeremy

Anna said that vampires don't have to feel pain; that they could turn it off if they shut out their humanity.

Damon

It's very true.

Jeremy

Is it easier that way?

Damon

Is what easier?

Jeremy

Life.

Damon

Life sucks either way, Jeremy. At least if you're a vampire, you don't have to feel bad about it if you don't want to.

Damon

You know, I came to this town wanting to destroy it. Tonight I found myself wanting to protect it. How does that happen? I'm not a hero, Elena. I don't do good. It's not...in me.

Damon

No. No, it's reserved for my brother, and you, and Bonnie... who, even though she has every reason to hate me, still helped Stefan save me.

Katherine

Why do you sound so surprised?

Damon

Because she did it for you. Which means that somewhere along the way, you decided that I was worth saving. I wanted to...thank you, for that.

Elena

When were you at the house?

Damon

Really? Earlier...on the porch...we were talking...cathartic feelings exposed...come on, we kissed, Elena!

Elena

Okay... I don't have time for this, Damon.

Damon

Hey! If you want to forget it happened, fine. But I can't.