J. Jonah Jameson quotes from The Spectacular Spider-Man

J. Jonah Jameson

Robbie, where's my layout? Foswell, I ordered that rewrite 12 seconds ago! Lee, I'm not paying you to sit on your keister! And YOU!

Peter Parker

M-Me?

J. Jonah Jameson

Yeah, YOU! I sent you for my bagel and schmeer nine minutes ago!

You sent Benny, Mr. Jameson, and it's only been three minutes.

Peter Parker

Uh, actually, sir, I've got something better than a bagel.

J. Jonah Jameson

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Peter Parker

A proposal. I think I can get you pictures. Photos of Spider-Man in action. I bet it would sell a lot of newspapers…

J. Jonah Jameson

What do you know about selling papers? You're a kid! Worse, you're a teenager. Miss Brant, call security. Get this wailing infant out of my face, out of my city room, OUT OF MY TOWN! [to Robbie] Hey, what the Bugle needs is photos. Of Spider-Man. In action. Now, that would sell newspapers, huh?

J. Jonah Jameson

Did a caveman proof-read this piece?! Where's my sport's editor?! I want him in my office in fourteen seconds! AND WHERE'S MY COFFEE?!

Peter Parker

Um, sir? I'm Peter–

J. Jonah Jameson

I know who you are! You're the know-nothing that wasted forty-one seconds of my time the other day! Well, I haven't got another forty-one to spare! [Pushes Peter into the elevator]

Peter Parker

But, but– [Elevator door closes in his face]

J. Jonah Jameson

Brilliant comeback, kid! Now, where's that Parker guy?! I e-mailed him seventy-six minutes ago! WON'T ANYONE GET ME MY COFFEE?!

Coffee, decaf. [hands mug to Jameson] It's only been twenty minutes and I'm pretty sure you just kicked Peter Parker out.

J. Jonah Jameson

Well, don't just stand there! Get him back!

Tombstone

What do you hope to accomplish here tonight?

Green Goblin

So the whole "wanting to destroy you and take over your empire" thing wasn't clear? Well, darn.

Spider-Man

Uh… yoo-hoo! Excuse me. Can I come in this way or do I have to break my own window?

Spider-Man!

Tombstone

Your timing is impeccable.

Spider-Man

So, your latest super-loser turned on you, huh, Toomie?

Tombstone

I don't know who he is... yet! But he's not in my employ.

Spider-Man

That's okay. I can always pretend he's yours while I trounce him. I'll still feel all warm inside.

Green Goblin

Hell-ooo! I'm in the room! Really, you're both too rude!

Spider-Man

Oh, where are my manners? Here you come to terrorize the Tombster and I don't even say thank you. My only excuse is that you're holding innocent people hostage! It's confusing to my poor spider-brain.

Green Goblin

Mmm, yes, quite the puzzler. But the Green Goblin has a solution: you and I join forces! Consider what we could accomplish by combining our powers! WE COULD RULE NEW YORK!

Spider-Man

Are we talking Manhattan, or all five? Nah, sorry. I make it a rule not to partner with anyone green. Or, you know, psychotic.

Green Goblin

[sighs] Oh well, your loss... of life!

J. Jonah Jameson

And why should I care what the Globe runs on its front page?

Because their Spider-Man scoop, and Parker's pictures of it, slaughtered our space shuttle coverage at the newsstands.

J. Jonah Jameson

The people have spoken. Get that traitor Parker in here and lock him to an exclusive deal. If they want Spider-Man, we'll give 'em Spider-Man. Here's tomorrow's front page headline: "Spider-Man: Threat or Menace?"

Peter Parker

Boss, I'd like a word!

J. Jonah Jameson

How 'bout "Scram"?! Or two words: "Scram, kid!" Or seventeen: "Get out of my office in two-point-three seconds or I'll staple you to a flagpole!"

Peter Parker

[pauses for a moment; surprised] How did you count so – uh, never mind!

J. Jonah Jameson

As I predicted, the web-head's turned out to be just another thug in a mask! Soon he'll be cut, jailed and run outta town!

Peter Parker

[Brooding] How can he be jailed and run out of town?

He's too tall. This guy's a fraud.

J. Jonah Jameson

Spider-Man is not a fraud. [whispering] Can't believe I just said that.