Jim Rockford quotes from The Rockford Files

I mean I checked the phone books; I checked all of the model agencies...

Jim

That's a waste of time; she's not a model. All right, she's blue eyed, very thin, but both of you said she was 5'-4". You've got to be at least 5'-7" to be a model; designer's clothes hang better on taller women.

Who are you? Eve St. Lawrence?

Whatcha doin'?

Jim

Oh, just putting up my guard like I always do when somebody sticks their nose in my business.

Your business is my business as long as you're loitering here, staring at those apartments. We're with building security.

Jim

No, you're not, you got out of that Vette back there just a minute ago.

Jim

What do you know about T.T.'s son-in-law?

Rocky

Oh, he's a rich stockbroker, is all I know. But, of course, T.T. says that he's nothing but a con man with a diploma and a place to hang it.

Dennis Becker

Let me get this straight if I can. What you're saying is that a Beverly Hills psychiatrist, an Encino stockbroker, a San Marino lawyer and the biggest subdivider in the next county, all got together to do an old man out of three acres without the daughter's knowledge, but with her consent and full cooperation?

Jim

I don't know if they all got together, Dennis, but they're all doing it to him.

Dennis Becker

There's nothing to tie them together and from what you said, I'd say the old man's right where he belongs.

Jim

Okay, so his lifestyle doesn't help his case any. But since when is eccentricity punishable by torture? And besides, Muellard knew about the attempt on my life, which ties him to something. Or did you forget somebody tried to kill me yesterday?

Dennis Becker

Look, Jimbo, what can I do?

Jim

Well, did you run a check on the nitrous oxide tank?

Dennis Becker

Yup. Dr. Fellows ran an inventory against supply and accounted for every tank. So there's nothing there. And Fellows is the director of Horizons Crest.

Jim

Well, he's in on it, too.

Dennis Becker

Oh, good, now I can add a Woodland Hills doctor to your list of co-conspirators.

Jim

Well, the name I came up with is Rafael Sabatini.

Angel

Well, let me finish my story, huh? Sabatini. That's the name I got from four or five guys. Sabatini.

Jim

Angel, Rafael Sabatini has been dead for a coupla hundred years.

Jim

Whaddaya think, Dennis?

Dennis Becker

Well, everybody's talkin' to me. It's kinda nice having friends.

Jim

Yeah.

Dennis Becker

But you know somethin'? I still hate surprise parties.

Shut up Gabby!

Jim

[incredulous] Gabby?!

Marcus Hayes

[sighs] Yeah, that's what he calls me. Cute, huh?

Jim

[snorts in disbelief] Gabby and Gandy...sounds like a puppet show.

Lianne Sweeny

Jim Rockford, Jim Rockford...Newton Street Division, 1968, Watts Riots!

Jim

No...

Lianne Sweeny

No, don't tell me, don't tell me! Metro!

Dennis Becker

Jim Rockford's a private investigator, Lianne.

Lianne Sweeny

[looking as though she smells something bad] Oh...

Lianne Sweeny

It may interest you to know that Sergeant Becker rolled a code three to a major four-fifteen which could have turned out to be a one-eighty-seven.

Jim

I flunked math.

Beth Davenport

I hope Angel won't say anything that's gonna get Rocky into trouble.

Jim

Hey, Angel has been in stir. He knows better than to talk without his lawyer present. And you're his lawyer. Angel knows better. He'll keep his mouth shut.

Angel

See, you wanna be talking to Jim Rockford and his father, Joseph. Let me spell that for you. That's Rockford. R-O-C-K-F-O-R-D. The guy's got a record, too, you know, but the State, they pardoned him. But you know the State, they just practically give them pardons away. This guy and his dad, they're dirty. You talk about marked bills and mob money. You want to find these guys right away. I wouldn't waste any time. Now, Rocky, that's the father, he's at the Palm Shores Hotel. That's in Hawaii. A lot of mob guys hang out there. I'd grab him and I wouldn't let him go. I'd grab him right away if I was you.

You better be straight with us, Martin.

Angel

Straight? Straight? I'm so straight, my back's hurting.

You better be. We've got a shopping list of charges to hang on somebody. You're pretty handy right now.

Angel

Who me? Charges?

Five to ten for fraud. Five to ten for conspiracy to avoid taxes. Five to ten, obstructing justice. Twenty to life, accessory to murder.

Angel

Murder? Wait a minute. Wait a second. I wouldn't murder no one, not for a couple of Cs. Look, you want to talk to the Rockford gang. That's R-O-C-K-F-O-R-D.

My banking representatives will be by at five to cancel out the debt; have the money.

Jim

Representatives? Plural?

That's right

Jim

I guess they travel in pairs 'cause that way they have twenty fingers and twenty toes.

I'm getting my gun. Both of you guys are dead.

Freddie Beamer

Yeah? Well, go ahead! I'm not the kind of guy you can blow away with a threat!

Jim

Yeah, well I am!

Jim

Look, I don't have a lead!

Except...

Jim

Some avenging feminist with a black belt in auto repairing.

Jim

It's my client's book, part Dear Abby, part Norman Vincent Peale and part Kama Sutra.

Rocky

What's a Kama Sutra?

Jim

It's a...uh...how-to book.

Jim

Somebody took a shot at her.

Dennis

Are you sure it wasn't a backfire?

Jim

It was a shot, Dennis.

Dennis

The doorman thinks it was a backfire.

Jim

Oh, and some expert he is since he's heard so many gunshots!

Dennis

He's heard a lot of backfires!