David Brent quotes from The Office (UK)

David

My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?". Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!

David

I said, "If Head Office try and come here and interfere, they've got me to contend with, okay? You can go and fiddle with Neil's people, but I'm the head of this family. You're not going to fiddle with my children. I am, if anyone does."

David

There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go "Ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced." Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. Just give generously to them all.

David

Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted. So, every cloud... You're still thinking about the bad news, aren't you?

David

You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go "Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs." I do it so, one day, someone will go "There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him."

David

Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, alright? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.

David

The reason I put "If it's in you" is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued 'cos you haven't got it, so, you know, you're not gonna get me on that.

David

What's more important: you, Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Oh, I dunno. Oh, what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know. Imagine him going out of the door on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going "Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out." [middle finger] "DO IT YOURSELF, I'VE GOTTA SAVE SOME AFRICANS!".

David

And that's not going "Ooh, look at me today, I'm entertaining whilst saving lives aren't I brilliant?", it's going "If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant"--not as entertainers, a lot of them can't even speak English, but you know don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least.

David

I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going, "Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?" No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me.

David

Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don't know whether you're in a trough until you're climbing out, or on a peak until you're coming down. And that's it you know, you never know what's round the corner. But it's all good. "If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain." Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

David Brent

[In "talking head"] Have you got everything you need? [The interviewer answers affirmatively off-camera] Cheers.

Gareth

I've got some photos... [opens drawer and recoils in shock] Oh, what is that!?

David

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gareth

[To Tim] Right, that is it!

David

Slow down, you move too fast. Solomon's here. All part of the job. What's going on?

Gareth

[taking out a plate of yellow jelly with a stapler in it] He's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done that. It wasn't even funny the first time.

David

Why's he done that?

Gareth

I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.

David

Yeah, you show him a weakness, he pounces, you should know about that. Oh, what is in here?

Gareth

It's my stapler.

David

Well don't do that! Eat it out! [To the camera] There's people starving in the world, which I hate. So, it's a waste. So... [To Gareth] How do you know it's yours?

Gareth

'Cause it's got my name on it in tippex.

David

Yeah, don't eat it now. Chemicals.

David

"Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.

Gareth

If anything they should be rewarded.

David

They should be equal.

Gareth

Women are equal.

David

I've always said that.

David

I'd like to make a complaint please.

Don't care.

David

Well, I am staying in the hotel..

Don't care, it's not my shift.

David

Well you're an ambassador for the hotel...

I don't care what you think..

David

I think you'll care when I tell you what the complaint is...

I don't care!

David

I think there's been a rape up there! See, I got his attention. Get. Their. Attention.