Gareth Keenan quotes from The Office (UK)

Gareth

I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.

Gareth

I did learn a lot from David. I learnt from his mistakes. We're very different people; he used humour where I use discipline. And I learnt that nobody respects him. And in a war situation, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it's no good saying to them "Please come with me lads, I'll tell you a joke." It's a direct order "Come with me." And they'll go "Yes, he's got good leadership skills, let's all go with him to our certain death".

Gareth

I've got some photos... [opens drawer and recoils in shock] Oh, what is that!?

David

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gareth

[To Tim] Right, that is it!

David

Slow down, you move too fast. Solomon's here. All part of the job. What's going on?

Gareth

[taking out a plate of yellow jelly with a stapler in it] He's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done that. It wasn't even funny the first time.

David

Why's he done that?

Gareth

I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.

David

Yeah, you show him a weakness, he pounces, you should know about that. Oh, what is in here?

Gareth

It's my stapler.

David

Well don't do that! Eat it out! [To the camera] There's people starving in the world, which I hate. So, it's a waste. So... [To Gareth] How do you know it's yours?

Gareth

'Cause it's got my name on it in tippex.

David

Yeah, don't eat it now. Chemicals.

David

"Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.

Gareth

If anything they should be rewarded.

David

They should be equal.

Gareth

Women are equal.

David

I've always said that.

Tim

You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?

Gareth

Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?

Gareth

All farmers have wives.

Tim

This one doesn't, he's gay.

Gareth

Well, then, he shouldn't be allowed near animals, should he?

Gareth, what's your ultimate fantasy?

Gareth

Two lesbians. Sisters, probably. I'm just watching.

Okay.. umm, Tim?

Tim

I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

Gareth

If you're so clever, what am I thinking now?

Tim

You're thinking "how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"

Gareth

No.

Tim

You're thinking "if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes?"

Gareth

No. And you can't.

Tim

What are you thinking Gareth?

Gareth

I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.

Tim

Team leader don't mean anything mate.

Gareth

Excuse me, it means I'm the leader of a team.

Tim

No it doesn't-it's a title someone's given you to get you to do something they don't want to do, for free. Right? It's like making a div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.

Gareth

I think they do.

Tim

No they don't Gareth.

Gareth

Er, yes they do, because if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last, so it was warm.

You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, inflitrating drugs gangs and the Triads.

Gareth

Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Tim

Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.

Gareth

Right, her details. Her marital status: single, divorced--

David

Not divorced. Nah, husband might still be around, might be a nutter. I'm not getting into all that.

Gareth

Widowed?

David

I'd bloody love her to be widowed.

Tim

And what happens, you're going into battle situation, right, you are up the front, with your men, or are you coming up the rear?

Gareth

Well, depends...

Dawn

So it's possible you'd come up the rear?

Gareth

It's possible, yeah.

Tim

That's all we wanted to know.