Tim Canterbury quotes from The Office (UK)

Tim

There was, oh my God, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eighth's. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bowl-in Alley, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "Mind Your Head" - nice... and underneath someone had written "Don't get your Hampton Court." It's not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

Tim

I think it was John Lennon who said "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." And that's how I feel.Although he also said "I am the walrus. I am the eggman." So I don't know what to believe.

Tim

Now guys, we're about to enter a warehouse environment, now I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be arse cleavage. So just find a partner, hold hands. Don't talk to anyone though.

Tim

The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, when you find someone you have a connection with. And, yeah, Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life.

Tim

You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?

Gareth

Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?

Gareth

All farmers have wives.

Tim

This one doesn't, he's gay.

Gareth

Well, then, he shouldn't be allowed near animals, should he?

Gareth, what's your ultimate fantasy?

Gareth

Two lesbians. Sisters, probably. I'm just watching.

Okay.. umm, Tim?

Tim

I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

Gareth

If you're so clever, what am I thinking now?

Tim

You're thinking "how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"

Gareth

No.

Tim

You're thinking "if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes?"

Gareth

No. And you can't.

Tim

What are you thinking Gareth?

Gareth

I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.

Tim

Team leader don't mean anything mate.

Gareth

Excuse me, it means I'm the leader of a team.

Tim

No it doesn't-it's a title someone's given you to get you to do something they don't want to do, for free. Right? It's like making a div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.

Gareth

I think they do.

Tim

No they don't Gareth.

Gareth

Er, yes they do, because if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last, so it was warm.

You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, inflitrating drugs gangs and the Triads.

Gareth

Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Tim

Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.

Tim

And what happens, you're going into battle situation, right, you are up the front, with your men, or are you coming up the rear?

Gareth

Well, depends...

Dawn

So it's possible you'd come up the rear?

Gareth

It's possible, yeah.

Tim

That's all we wanted to know.