The Mighty Boosh · Season 1
This is the best job in the zoo: Millet distribution.
Something wrong with you, you know that don't you?
What do you mean?
Well you're always happy aren't you, everything's fun for you. Huh? You see a peanut? The day's of to a good start. You witness some soil? It's a jamboree for Vince Noir. I need something more
I think it's this poncho, I mean it's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. I'm gonna get a sombrero as well. Image that: A poncho-sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.
I write novels. They're Charlie books.
They're Charlie books?
Yeah.
What, that pink shape that you draw?
Yeah. Charlie. Charlie is genius, right, he's made of a million pieces of old bubblegum. Imagine that. In the summer of 1976 on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement. It was too hot in L.A, and he melted like a pink bitch. Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet. Destination: Alaska. Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie. but in his cold blooded, reptilian haste, he refroze him into the shape of a hoover. Charlie wasn't phased though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits. The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink, tight, warm belly pouch and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that" and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately; it was air tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. The green shape, was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillips' magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd just killed fifty Inuits, no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, yrumpets and spanners.
That's not a novel, that's the scribblings of a retard.
They are novels, they're novelettes.
It's in crayon, you berk.
So what? I'm new school.
New school? I'm talking about books that are gonna get published.
Mine are published, I publish them myself.
You photocopy them and you leave them lying around supermarkets, inside Weetabix boxes. That's not published, is it?
Well I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo.
Who?
You know, the black eyes Chinese people that eat sticks?
The pandas...
[Doing impression of Howard] "Oh, I'm Howard Moon, I know how to read, I know all the animals names at the zoo" [Rubs Nipple] ...Yeah the pandas.
Who are you?
Howard Moon, I work here at the zoo.
Why do you have crumbs round your eyes?
Oh, that's just me and Vince, been playing, er, games... crumb eye, we have to get crumbs in, er, each others eyes... and erm, winner get a, rake. That's a good book. I like that book.
Oh have you read it?
Oh yeah, yeah twice I read it, erm once the original and then in the paperback. Really related to the character of erm, Jonathan, thought he was great.
The serial killer?
Yeah, I mean in as much as, you know, we've all, we can all relate to a killer, erm, I mean in our minds, we've all killed in our minds.
What are you talking about?
Well... as a writer it's erm, it's something that I, I have to do, I have to get involved in the darker side of the human psyche.
[Impersonating the wind] It was pretty good though wasn't it? Sounded exactly like the wind.
Yeah, and it was blowing a gale through my mind.
I can do other elements.
Can you really? Can you do fog...?
Howard?..Howard?...Howard?...Howard?..Howard?..Howard..Howard..Howard..Howard...Howard?..Howard. Howard.
This better be good.
You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantula's eggs?
...Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.
What's your novel about?
It's about a genius who can't get anything done because of a monkey that keeps annoying him.
You've made a classic error.
Have I?
What you've done is you've focused in on the wrong character, yeah? Now, the monkey, I'm loving him, but the other guy, I'm getting nothing off him. He sounds like a dick.
Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I was having problems coping with the stardom.
Stardom? You've only been in the band since 10:30 this morning.
Yeah, but you know: the lifestyle, the drugs...
The drugs?
Yeah, well, you know, the coffees. I've had three lattes, and an Americano. I'm blazin'!
[Howard shows up to play in the band.]
Ladies...
Howard!
Hi.
No way... not the simpleton!
He's a musical genius!
Well, he better be. He looks like a paedophile.
Who are you, dealing out stories in chunks? Johnny Segment?
Technically, you're not a Peeping Tom if it's one of your relatives.
Who are you?
I am Bryan Ferry!
Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?
Yeah, what's your point?
You look like Terry Wogan.
[telling the story of his giant thumb] I didn't know what was happening, for days I was in a trance, but when I came to, there it was, like a fleshy maraca: a thumb of GIGANTIC proportions! "A miracle! A miracle!" I said. "You're a true wizard, how can I ever repay you!?" And he said to me "Five hundred euros". "FIVE HUNDRED EUROS!? YOU WON'T SEE PENNY ONE FROM ME, YOU SLAG!". And as I raised my thumb up to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking "Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it's killing me! My own beast and creation, killing me dead! The sweet irony!". I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could've just been shitting himself!
"(Playing slap bass) Ohhh, you love it you slags!"
[singing] Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob, have a cup of tea, have a cup of tea! I'm the Hitcher, let me put you in the picture, creeping in you room in the dead of night, with me solo polo vision!
That's right!
I'm a cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya! I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper, I taught him how to slice, I cut him up a treat! Pound ya banana!
Two pound ya pear!
Pound ya banana!
Two pound ya pear!
Pound ya banana!
Two pound ya pear!
Fourteen shillings for your melons!
Oh yea! We're the Piper Twins! We're Jim and Jackie Piper! We cut through the night like a windscreen wip-ing you away, like raindrops, don't mess with the boys!
Shut yer noise! Coming in strong like a freakshow nightmare, dancing skeletons, white blue and yellow uns, moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat, and if you cross us, we'll cut ya!
And you ain't gonna like that!
I'm bad juju! I use voodoo if I chose to, to harness the forces of evil to abuse you! With power, a polo, an evil magnet, we're sucking out ya soul!
And you ain't gonna like that!
Book? No book will help you when there's a grizzly on the loose. [throws it out the window and knocks out a grizzly bear]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Mighty Boosh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
