Lou Grant quotes from The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Lou

[inviting Mary to dinner] We're having leftovers from [Edie's] Home Economics class.

Mary

That's OK, I love leftovers.

Lou

She got a C minus.

Ted

[badly mispronouncing German] This is Ted Baxter, saying Oof Weederzane.

Lou

Now that he's demolished English he's branching out.

Ted

I don't think Barry likes me.

Lou

Ted, he hasn't been here long enough not to like you. He's only been here a couple weeks. It takes at least three weeks not to like you.

Lou

Does anyone happen to remember this morning's memo about personal calls during business hours? Murray?

Murray

Well, how can we forget? It isn't often you'll see the words 'don't', 'no', 'not', 'never' and 'forbid' in the same sentence.

Lou

The man has a phone in his car! How many guys do you know who can make a call from their car?

My cousin can.

Lou

He's probably a big lawyer too?

No, he's a big cop.

Mary

Mr. Grant, you're gonna be just fine, just fine. Go in there and be natural. And remember to smile.

Lou

You can't have both things, Mary.

Ted

I saw you do the news, Lou. You were terrible.

Lou

I know, but that's because I made a mistake.

Ted

What's that, Lou?

Lou

I started drinking after the show.

Ted

You like my new jacket, Lou?

Lou

No, I don't like your new jacket! At this moment, I don't like your face, your voice, your fingernails, your name! Waddya say to that?

Ted

[looks slightly troubled] Would you like it better in green?

Lou

I haven't been this mad at anybody since…1944. Yeah…1944. That was the last time I let it all out.

Mary

Did anything – much - happen?

Lou

Huh? Oh. I captured a town in Germany.

Mary

Why are you smiling at me?

Lou

Because you just reaffirmed my faith in human nature.

Mary

You mean what I did wasn't rotten?

Lou

Oh, no, that was rotten all right. It's just nice to know that everyone's rotten. Up to now, I thought you were one of the few holdouts.

Murray

When will Edie be back from this reducing place?

Lou

Oh, she was pretty mad. She ought to be gone for about eight to ten pounds.

Lou

I guess I'm what you'd call a male chauvinist pig.

Mary

She, uh, she wasn't right.

Lou

I'm glad we're communicating.

Mary

What was wrong with her?

Lou

Well, for one thing, when she walked out of here, I didn't watch her.

Mary

Oh. You mean, uh… she-she didn't have any, uh-- [Mary motions at her backside]

Lou

Right. No caboose whatsover.

Mary

Well, if that is the case, Mr. Grant, why have I been wasting my time for the last two days screening them for skills? I mean, why don't I just march them in here in bathing suits?

Lou

How many more applicants are there?

Mary

Uh, two. Uh, the first is Doreen Skinner. Her skills are excellent, and she seems to measure up, caboose-wise.

Lou

Good. Back her in here.

Mary

Murray is working nights driving a cab to earn extra money.

Lou

Why didn't he just come and tell me he needed more money? Then I could have told him why I can't give it to him.

Lou

The owner's been asking about you, about how important you are to the station.

Ted

What you tell him Lou?

Mary

He told him to watch you do the news and decide for himself.

Ted

Oh my God!

Ted

Lou… [everyone joins in a group hug]

Lou

I think we all need some Kleenex

There's some on Mary's desk.

Mary

Mr. Grant. Could I say what I wanted to say, now. Please.

Lou

Okay, Mary.

Mary

Well I just wanted you to know, that sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking my job is too important to me. And I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with, and not my family. And last night I thought, "what is a family anyway?" They're just people who make you feel less alone and really loved. And that's what you've done for me. Thank you for being my family. [group hug]

Murray

Now for the hard part. How do we leave this room?

Lou

That's not so hard. Remember what Ted said?

Ted

What was that, Lou?

Lou

It's a long way to Tipperary, It's a long way to go…