Lou Grant quotes from The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Lou

If I don't like you, I'll fire you. If you don't like me, I'll fire you!

Lou

[asking Mary about Phyllis, her new assistant] How's Princess Margaret Rose working out?

Lou

[about Phyllis] Mary, she's dangerous. She's actually got Baxter convinced he's capable of human thought.

Lou

If you've noticed, I'm one of the few producers without a peptic ulcer. One of the reasons for that is, I'm able to delegate blame.

Lou

[about his nephew, Allen] What that kid needs is a little understanding, a little compassion, and all that other crap.

Lou

I look at a separation like two boxers who are going to their corners between rounds. That doesn't mean the fight is over, Mary. They're just resting!

Lou

Word to the wise, Mary. The best kind of reunion is one where you don't know anyone.

Lou

[upon learning his age has become a discrimination factor for hiring him] I'm forty-five years old. If I were in politics, they'd call me 'the kid.'

Lou

[Ted's] contract calls for him to be a newsman. He violates his contract every time he opens his mouth.

Lou

You don't have to be a whale to write Moby-Dick.

Lou

How old are you?

Mary

Thirty.

Lou

No hedging! No 'how old do I look'?

Mary

[smiles and shrugs her shoulders] Why hedge?

Lou

Yeah.

Mary

How old do I look?

Lou

[pauses] Thirty. [opens booze bottle in his desk drawer] What religion are you?

Mary

Uh, Mr. Grant, I don't quite know how to say this, but, uh, you're not allowed to ask that when someone's applying for a job. It's against the law.

Lou

Wanna call a cop?

Mary

[sweetly] No.

Lou

Good! Would you think I was violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married?

Mary

Presbyterian. [Lou stares at her] Uh, well I, I, I decided I would answer your religion question.

Lou

Divorced?

Mary

No.

Lou

Never married!

Mary

No.

Lou

Why?

Mary

Why?

Lou

Do you type?

Mary

Mr. Grant, there's no simple answer to that question!

Lou

Yes there is! How 'bout 'no I can't type' or 'yes I can'?

Mary

There's no simple answer to why a person isn't married.

Lou

How many reasons can there be?

Mary

[nervously] 65.

Lou

[exasperated] Words per minute. My typing question!

Mary

Yes.

Lou

Look, miss! Would you try answering the questions as I ask them?

Lou

You know what? You've got spunk.

Mary

Well, yes…

Lou

I hate spunk.

Lou

Mary, where are the idiot cards?

Ted

Cue cards, Lou! Cue Cards!

Lou

Excuse me, Ted. Mary, could you please give those cue cards to this idiot?

Lou

Ah...that's good wine.

Murray

You're drinking Scotch!

Lou

It's my favorite kind of wine.

Ted

[showing up to the newsroom much earlier than usual] I'm here because I'm upset about being awakened by a 2 A.M. obscene phone call. I've never had anyone say things like that to me.

Lou

What are you tellin' me about it for?

Ted

Because it was you!