The League of Gentlemen Season 1 quotes

Hello Daaave?

(while communicating to the dead) But wait...I'm hearing another voice! His name... is George!

G-George? Can I speak to him?

(sarcastically) No, he's dead BUT...You can speak to him...Through me (does a series of odd movements). Now I am George.

George?

Yesssss?

Is that you, George?

(in exasperation) Yes it is, ask me a question!

Tell me my name, George.

All right...

(in an undertone) What's your name?

Annie.

[Back in character] Hello, Annie, give us your wedding ring (holds up his hand).

What!?

Your wedding ring, give it to Papa Lazarou.

Why!?

Just do it, I'm dead now, there's no point in having it, (impatiently snatches her ring) quickly, come on!

All my life, I try to make a man out of my son. When he's little, we sit down together and watch a video! One of my favorites!

Watership Down?

No, is called The Ass Master. It's German!

Always put something of yourself in every job you do! [spits in Ross's vegeburger]

The time has come to find him a mate!

A no-tail? But where will we get one?

[grabs an animal trap] Leave it to me, Tubbs! I...have a way with women!

[taking inventory of the shop] Now...candles?

Um...twelvety.

Good...cans of Can't?

Um...twelvety.

And...precious things?

Um...twelvety.

Good! We haven't sold a thing!

I'm writing a card for the shop window. Wanted. No-tail to marry our son, David, in the attic.

Show me [shows a card with childish scribbles on it] change that to local no-tail!

Edward! Edward!

Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!

He's trying to grab my petrol! He spoke of walking, but not on legs! Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs!

Well, I've got a car, if that's what she means!

Devil! Propelled across the land in a carriage of no horse drawn, belching Satan's black wind into our clean and local air! This is a decent town and a local shop; there's nothing for you here!

Fine, I'll be off! [he storms out]

[confused] Edward?

Don't worry, Tubbs...[reveals he has stolen the man's car keys] He won't get far!

[reading a postcard with his forged signature] Dear All: It's great to be here. Uncle Harvey and Auntie Val are so wonderful. I'm going to stay here for at least five years. Love, Benjamin.

We did try and get in touch with you, but no one had your new number.

I've not moved!

Yeah?

What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?

Why, a frog in a liquidiser!

Wrong! A toad! [flicks on the liquidiser with a toad inside]

Will heaven be like Swansea?

Yes Tubbs, only bigger.

The blue felt-tip ran out on that one, that's why a bit of the sea is green.

Oh that's OK, you can have a green sea.

Especially if you wee in it like I do.

It's a pen for my finance-a.

I'm in love.

What with a man who's "thick, stinks and lives in a shithole!"