Edward Tattsyrup quotes from The League of Gentlemen

What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!

You heard the man, Tubbs. Get undressed!

Don't worry Tubbs. [picks up a crossbow] They won't get far!

[crying] You lied to me, Edward! There is a Swansea!

Nonsense!

And other places, too! You kept them from me!

Yes, I kept them from you! To keep you pure, and clean and local!

The time has come to find him a mate!

A no-tail? But where will we get one?

[grabs an animal trap] Leave it to me, Tubbs! I...have a way with women!

[taking inventory of the shop] Now...candles?

Um...twelvety.

Good...cans of Can't?

Um...twelvety.

And...precious things?

Um...twelvety.

Good! We haven't sold a thing!

I'm writing a card for the shop window. Wanted. No-tail to marry our son, David, in the attic.

Show me [shows a card with childish scribbles on it] change that to local no-tail!

Edward! Edward!

Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!

He's trying to grab my petrol! He spoke of walking, but not on legs! Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs!

Well, I've got a car, if that's what she means!

Devil! Propelled across the land in a carriage of no horse drawn, belching Satan's black wind into our clean and local air! This is a decent town and a local shop; there's nothing for you here!

Fine, I'll be off! [he storms out]

[confused] Edward?

Don't worry, Tubbs...[reveals he has stolen the man's car keys] He won't get far!

Will heaven be like Swansea?

Yes Tubbs, only bigger.