The League of Gentlemen quotes

[crying] You lied to me, Edward! There is a Swansea!

Nonsense!

And other places, too! You kept them from me!

Yes, I kept them from you! To keep you pure, and clean and local!

Brian says Cheryl looks like a moose. He said I can't believe he's marrying that old moose.

I never said that, Mike. Geoff did.

No, I said she looked about a hundred years old, I didn't say like a moose.

Subject appears to be animal. Porcine features...but ostensibly simian. Also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy...I can only conclude that we have been confronted by a new species, the like of which the world has never seen.

Sir, sorry to bother you. Got this zoo feller here, lost his animals. You haven't see a goat, a pig, and a chimp anywhere?

Please...please, Mr. Tinsel, let me go.

What? When you're doing such a fine job of keeping those greedy crows off my turnips? I don't think so, Andrew. Maybe next month, eh?

Oh they've arrived. Did you know that this afternoon some of you lot are going to be watching a play instead of doing proper lessons? It's going to be performed by Legz Akimbo Theatre Company and it's a show about homosexuality aimed at 9 to 12 year olds. Some people call this Theatre in Education, I call it Aids in a Van.

I don't know what he puts in his sausages, but I've never tasted finer!

It's the title of the film, Krzysztof Kielslowski's Troi Couleurs Bleu.

Dracula's what?

How many killings?

You can't play Sympathy for the Devil without a rhythm guitar!

We can do it on the keyboards, now, all right.

It's not the same. Give us a go on your Strat, I'll teach you Voodoo Lady.

Look, it's not going to happen, all right?

In this house, we wage a constant battle against the microbe and germ.

Yes, come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky.

About 7:00, then.

You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point of you?! Sit up straight, you bone-idle lazy cunt!-[Ross turns the recorder off]

What was that?!

That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.

Hi, I've got a frog for a Mr. Denton.

A what?

A...frog.

How dare you, sir! In this house, we do not use the F word! This...is a toad!

Just who do you think you're talking to?!

Well according to my report, a psychotic fifty year old lesbian!

[outraged] How dare you! I'm forty eight!

Tell them the circus is coming to town!

My wife was right, there was a block in you toilet, but I've fixed it now.