The League of Gentlemen Season 1 quotes

Hokey-cokey, pig in a pokey! [Clears throat] Hello, gents...oh, it's half-past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work! Other men stay in bed 'til dinner time, watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are... Good morning Jobseekers!

You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross; you're never gonna bloody get one, you worthless dole scum!

[regarding Mickey] You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell job, but at least he tries!

Would you take a seat, Mr. Tinsel. I have some rather upsetting news.

Thank you for posting a letter inside me!

What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!

WE DIDN'T BURN HIM!

You heard the man, Tubbs. Get undressed!

Don't worry Tubbs. [picks up a crossbow] They won't get far!

I know it's wrong--it just tastes so good.

I don't like that Bradley Pitt anyway. Too much acting.

You see, Ross?! You see how easy it is?! It's as simple as Mickey!

Perhaps you're a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread-eagled on pillow, forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.

Oh dear. It seems Benjamin thinks there’s something odd in drinking one’s own pee wee. Something unnatural?

Yes, I do!

Well there are plenty of precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise. [hands Benjamin an empty glass] My toads, for example, will consume almost three times their own volume in urine every day. [urinates into the glass] Perhaps you would mock the toad in his wisdom! What is good enough for him is not so for you?! Father Toad has been on this Earth since the dawn of time, millions of years before man saw fit to scratch out the back of their latrines…and I daresay he and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own petty species…so join me then and drink, DRINK! So we may become more like him and his batrachian friends!

[brightly, recovering herself] Good! Thank you very much. I feel that Ross handled that situation very well…can I have my things back? Yeah, although it did make me wonder how well he’d handle a situation more like this…! [Pauline whacks Ross in the jaw with a clipboard] Eh? Ooh, a bully am I!? Foul fucking mouthed?! Now, you’ll eat those words…Egregious! Egregious! Egregious! Is this what it means…!? Is this egregious enough for you?!