Meet me at the station!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
NNarrator
You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences. [FBI team member bursts in behind the girl downloading the film and shoots her; cut to a pool of blood on the keyboard]
[sitting with Moss in a dark room] Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.
Yeah, I don't like people.
Oh, well now that's not fair Roy. Have you met all of them?
I've met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!
Oh, Jorg, Jorg, such fire! I am too tired for revolution…and we've walked four f*cking miles.
If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory, or RAM.
Memory is RAM!
RRichmond
Have you got any absinthe?
No.
RRichmond
I only drink absinthe.
Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg...
RRichmond
Oh Carlsberg, perfect.
Peter, what's your email address?
PPeter
Oh, it's [email protected].
"filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?
PPeter
Well, File is my second name.
Oh, right, I see. Peter File.
Who's a paedophile?
No no, his name is Peter File.
His name is paedophile?
[angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."
Isn't that what he just said?
Jen': No, Peter File.
[enunciating] Paedo phile?
Peter File!
RRichmond
Who's a paedophile?
No one is.
[finally understanding] Right. It just sounds like paedophile.
No, no, it doesn't!
Does a bit. Peter File.
Peter File... Yeah, no, it does.
[There are murmurings of agreement from the rest of the table as everyone starts pronouncing it themselves]
PPeter
[exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES!
[silence]
I didn't noticed, so...
PPeter
It doesn't bother you, does it?
No, of course it doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]
They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.
[shouting] He's not moving to America!
JJohn
I don't think that's true.
With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It's not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.
Is this another one of your inventions?
Might be.
What was the last one? Oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!
How is that not useful?
Moths don't get stuck in baths!
Yes. They. Do!
Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless!
Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.
I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.
Oh, not these idiots!
Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends, they're not idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]
I can't seem to get it open.
You want me to open it. That's why you called me all the way up here, to open your laptop?
I would be beholden to you.
Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly builder", I'd be furious - and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my mind: "I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."
Hell's horses!
[Acting as Moss's teenage bullies] Nice glasses!
Not as nice as your momma's glasses!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The IT Crowd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.