Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
Hey, you know, I love Korea. See? I'm having a… Bulgogi tonight! (Showing a bowl with mixture of several pieces of meat, lettuce and other vegetables) lovely. That is a…… not sure what's in there but I do know that you crack a raw egg over it. (Cracking egg to the bowl) And…… I…am… (holding a chopstick) going to… enjoy that…… a little bit later. (hides the bowl under the desk)
It's George Washington's birthday and I cannot tell a lie [the former was false]. This is The Colbert Report!
The safest way to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater is to not change the bathwater.
You said, "Anyone who grew up on a farm knows that evolution exists." OK, are you saying a monkey can milk a cow?
PAPeter Agre
Well, if I can milk a cow I suspect a monkey as smart as I am can milk a cow.
Are there monkeys as smart as you?
AAgre
I'm sure there are quite a few, quite a few.
Oh really? Do they give a Nobel Prize for throwing your own feces?"
AAgre
That's the Economics prize, I think.
Now, I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on, amphibians. Which is it? Water or land? Pick one, we’re at war.
Folks, the President needs a break. He's like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can't suck.
I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
Chicks Dig Accents.
Following the Democratic victory in the 2006 Midterm Elections.
The people have spoken - and apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than 230 years. That's it, folks, America is over. At this point, we might as well just give it back to the goddamn Indians. Let's see how they'd deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction. Here's your cake, terrorists! There you go. Enjoy. [tasting the icing] Mmm, tastes like surrender. Jimmy, you might as well get those subtitles going. [Arabic subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen] There you go. Get used to these. And you know what? We should probably throw a burqa over Meg while we're at it. [Meg the intern is shown wearing a burqa] You know what really gets me here, you know what really gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. "Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!" We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq! And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! Screw this! I quit!
[getting into his car] Take me home, Sam.
The driver turns around. It's Uncle Sam.
SSam
You are home, Stephen. The Colbert Nation is your home - and it needs you now, more than ever.
No it doesn't.
SSam
Yes it does! The Democrats have only been in power for a few minutes and already they've already got us stuck in this unwinnable war!
[with realization dawning] Yeah, they really screwed the pooch on that one. That Democratic majority has had a free ride for too long! Thanks, Sam! [moves to get out of the car]
SSam
You're welcome.
[turning] Oh, by the way, there was no sparkling water in my drink caddy. You forget that again and I will fire your fat ass. You got me, old man?
SSam
Yes.
Yes, what?
SSam
Yes, sir.
[ostensibly attempting to disprove Freudian motivations behind his political beliefs] I am in favor of missile defense, yes: not because missiles remind me of a penis; I like them for their power: the thrust, the explosive imposition of our will into the fertile deltas of another country.
9 May 2006
Look, do you believe there's a God?
BEBart Ehrman
I'm not sure.
Really?
BBart
Yeah.
So you're an agnostic?
BBart
That's right.
Isn't that just an atheist without balls?
20 June 2006
Reality has become a commodity.
I'm attacking America's enemies like a spurned astronaut.
We went to Iraq for one reason.
WMDs?
No.
9/11?
No.
Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?
Kind of.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Colbert Report pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.