Stephen ColbertOpen wide baby bird, 'cause momma's got a big fat night crawler of Truth. Here comes The Colbert Report!
Played by Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report · 250 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Colbert Report: in 250 of its 250 quotes
Most scenes with: The Wørd (5)
Lines by Stephen Colbert 239
Stephen ColbertStephenBut this show is not about me. This program is dedicated to you, the heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hardworking Americans. You're not the elites, you're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of it-getters.
StephenOn this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.
StephenNow I know some of you may not trust your gut...yet. But with my help you will. The "truthiness" is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news... at you.
StephenThankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before it was swept into the blades of the turbine.
StephenI'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back.
StephenPut on the Sade and spritz on some musk! I'm going to truth you all night long! This is The Colbert Report!
StephenApply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. This is The Colbert Report!
StephenGood news, America! Today you are completely safe and have nothing to fear. It's time for the SafetyUp! No, wait, today's opposite day. ThreatDown!
Stephen(Talking about how Magna morphs and the magnetic parts that they feature. Colbert had attached the bear's head to the eagle's body) This allows you to combine our proud symbol of American freedom, with a godless killing machine!! Look at that! Half-bear, half-eagle, it's a beagle! And this is a grizzly, so it's a greagle. Kill it! Kill it! (Panically dismantles the "greagle").
StephenI've got 99 problems, but the truth ain't one. This is The Colbert Report!
Stephen[using the Da Colbert Code] Say I wanted to know who killed President Kennedy: John Fitzgerald Kennedy...F. Scott Fitzgerald...The Great Gatsby...The Great Escape...Escape from New York...The Big Apple...Apples and Oranges...A Clockwork Orange...Stanley Kubrick...directed Barry Lyndon...Lyndon Johnson, oh my God! It was all a plot by Lyndon Johnson to attain the presidency so he could escalate the involvement in the Vietnam War! [whispers] Makes so much sense. Oh, if this code fell into the wrong hands.
Let's try a current mystery. Varying reports on the Hurricane Katrina debacle are pointing fingers in many directions. Who's really to blame for the slow response to the disaster? Let's think about it: Hurricane Katrina...Katrina and the Waves...Waves in the Oceans...Ocean's full of Fish...One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish...Dr. Seuss...The Cat in the Hat...Mike Myers. Oh my God, it's Mike Myers' fault! No wonder he kept quiet when Kanye West started blaming President Bush!
Okay, now let's use this for something important. Everyone wants to know who's gonna win the Oscars. Let's start with Best Supporting Actress: you get support from support groups like AA...AAA...XXX...X the Owl...Henrietta Pussycat...What's New Pussycat...Tom Jones...Star Jones...Star Wars...WarGames...Winter Games...Wintergreen...Winter Garden...beer garden...Weisse Beer...Rachel Weisz will win Best Supporting Actress! Oh, she is so lovely.
Stephen[to guest Bill O'Reilly] I'm not a Secular Progressive, sir. I'm a deeply religious man who will do anything you say.
StephenNow, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell.
StephenIf our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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