Craig Reucassel quotes from The Chaser's War On Everything

Craig Reucassel

Hello and welcome to the War for another week, the only show on TV that has more boofheads and morons than the Rugby League State of Origin.

Craig Reucassel

And can I just say, only in Australia could we have a scandal called 'Utegate'! For God's sake, what's next, 'Uggbootgate'? 'Case-of-VB-gate'? It's very embarrassing, isn't it!?

Chris Taylor

Craig, I’m not myself tonight.

Craig Reucassel

What’s wrong?

Chris

I’m going out of my mind. I’m cracking up.

Craig

What is it?

Chris

Well, you know how there’s that new show on Channel Ten called ‘Everybody Hates Chris’? Every time I see its name on billboards or in TV guides, it really makes me paranoid. I think it’s always referring to me. I think everybody hates me.

Craig

Don’t be paranoid, Chris, everyone does hate you.

Chris

Get stuffed.

Craig

What events have we got coming up tonight?

Chris

Well, it’s all eyes on the pool as Libby Lenton and… [He notices the background pic has changed to a guy wearing an ‘I hate Chris’ sign.] Get stuffed! Get stuffed! Do your news segment on your own, guys.

Julian Morrow

Oh, well. Look, it’s a fair point, I reckon.

Craig

I know I hate him.

Chris Taylor

And keep that applause going for people who think David Hicks had a fair trial! (shows 5 empty seats)

Craig Reucassel

Not even Downer turned up.

Chris Taylor

It’s the same show, but with a few key changes.

Craig Reucassel

Oh, big new changes, Chris. Like during the opening, I’m sitting on this side of the couch, and you’re sitting on that side of the couch. It’s an exciting fresh new look.

Chris Taylor

Oh, it changes the whole feel of the programme. It’s very 2009.

Chris Taylor

(Talking about going on a date while wearing a 'swine flu mask') And as for the goodnight kiss at the end of the night, well, (shows footage of Chris trying to kiss a girl while both are wearing health masks) very unsatisfactory.

Craig Reucassel

Like usual, then, yes.

Chris Taylor

Now, look, for those who came in late, the whole controversy began when Kevin Rudd was given a Mazda ute by his car dealer mates during the last election.

Craig Reucassel

I can't believe he drives a ute.

Chris

I can't believe he has a mate.