(to Renaissance) I didn’t send you out to do a remake of Ben-Hur!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
(to Renaissance) You made one, not one, The biggest error. The biggest error going: I don't know what your bloody advert's about! I do not know what it's about! It doesn't mention the word "tissues" once in the voice-over, you've got this little box of tissues down the bottom that... and a little strap-line down the bottom and it would not sell any tissues. It might make me or my grandmother or my auntie smile and look at the little kid crying and think "Ahhhh" like that but it ain't gonna make me look for those on the shelf! You lost! I'm sorry, you lost and it's not my opinion. This is the opinion of the three professionals I consulted today, and I am so frustrated because you did 90-5% of the work! A much better cinema-graphic, representation than these people. Much, much better but I'm sorry, you lost!
(To Alpha) You won because your horrible advert, your horrible box threw it in the people's face, the actor there was talking about tissues three times, he brought out the anti-bacterial thing which is one of the points that I wanted to mention. You had the box in big shot, in the picture, on the mum's lap, you had it again somewhere else and at the end pack shot you had it there. (tapping Alpha's box) That's the thing I'm gonna remember. You won, so well done.
How do you think Michael is?
Helene Speight: Shit.
Claire Young: I think he's shit as well.
Sir Alan, I think I'm an absolutely fantastic salesman...
Sir Alan Sugar: But you didn't bloody sell did you?
Helene your posture, not being disrespectful or rude, you remind me of the portrait of the Mona Lisa in which there's this one sole expression with you all the time.
I'll talk about Lucinda if I may, Alan. She's a very intelligent, bright individual. No doubt highly skilled at what she does and I would think she'd be a disaster for you.
Paul Kemsley: I'll tell you a good point. If you're building a nice office for yourself and you want it lit beautifully with candles - nice smelling candles, good aroma therapy in the air, nice calm, perfect...
Karren Brady: Paul! That is unfair.
Lucinda, I'm afraid to say you're a little bit too zany for me, a little bit too unconventional for me. And so, Lucinda, with regret, you're fired!
What are the things you're going to offer Sir Alan?
Alex Wotherspoon: Like you say, I am 24 years old so...
Claude Littner: Can you not just answer a question?! I'm finding it very.. I mean, it's just how many times do I have to ask the same question before you actually give me an answer!
(on Lee's CV which is riddled with spelling mistakes) Did they ever teach you spelling?
You were doing a degree, were you?
Lee McQueen: No, unfortunately for me my exam results etc were never good enough to do a degree. When I was a trainee catering manager, they put me through to do a professional qualification in catering. I was there for two years, I was actually doing my HCIMA for that period of time.
Bordan Tkachuk: Are you sure it was two years?
Lee McQueen: As far as I am aware, it was two years, yes.
Bordan Tkachuk: Really? The university has actually dropped me a line here confirming that you were only there for four months.
Lee McQueen: Really? Oh, Okay well then, it was four months then.
Bordan Tkachuk: Was it two years or four months? Do you want to see or do you know?
Lee McQueen: No, no, if that's what you are saying.
Bordan Tkachuk: No, I am asking you. I have asked you twice, it's your CV. It says Thames University 1996 to 1998.
Lee McQueen: Then I have, um, put something incorrect on my CV.
Bordan Tkachuk: Was it just one thing?
Lee McQueen: Well, I have made a mistake already haven't I, so it's difficult for me to be completely confident.
Bordan Tkachuk: What worries me is that you have got someone here who is prepared to bullshit their way through.
Lee McQueen: I am not prepared to bullshit my way through.
Bordan Tkachuk: Well you did on that.
Lee McQueen: I am not prepared to bullshit my way through.
Bordan Tkachuk: But you did on that and that worries me a little bit about you because I am looking at this and saying what else is there about you?
Lee McQueen: My integrity is out the window. All I would say to you is that I am not proud my educational background, Bordan, and I have put something down there to make my educational background seem a little bit better than what it is and that's a blip on my integrity and I can't erase that. All I can say is that I am disappointed in myself for doing that.
(as Lucinda is in an interview with Claude Littner) Lucinda's been up there ages. Oh, I'd love to be her in there. (in Lucinda's voice) Erm, erm, excuse me. Erm, erm (normal voice) And he'd just be like "Shut it! Shut up now!"
I didn't find anything interesting in your CV.
Alex Wotherspoon: Obviously taking into account my age, that's why my CV isn't as extensive as...
Paul Kemsley: I was running my own business at twenty-two.
Do you have that all-round business experience?
Alex Wotherspoon: I've got as much experience as I could have at my age at twenty-four.
Karren Brady: Alex, I was twenty-three when I was running Birmingham City Football Club. You're a year older.
I want to see this silly impression of a dinosaur that you do.
Lee McQueen: Of a reverse pterodactyl?
Paul Kemsley: I've got to see it.
Lee McQueen: Do you want to see it?
Paul Kemsley: Absolutely.
Lee McQueen: Unbelievable.
Paul Kemsley: Go on.
Lee McQueen: Okay-(he performs his reverse pterodactyl impression and then sits back down) Impressive?
Paul Kemsley: I don't think Sir Alan would be too impressed. I didn't find it funny but he definitely wouldn't.
Lee McQueen: No, and I wouldn't do a reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan-
Paul Kemsley: Why don't you just say "No" then? This is a serious interview. It's a serious job.
(having listened to Claire for a long time) Okay, just hang on one second. Let me ask a question and give you time to breathe.
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