The Apprentice · Season 1
(rehearsing his pitch at night) Through our cards we put forward to you (clears throat) the notion of the Singles' day, we have created not only a product for you but a diary entry!
Michael Sophocles: (clearly tired of hearing Raef's pitch) That was absolutely amazing. Now can you just please shut the fuck up?
Look, a snake! Ugh! I hate snakes. If Sir Alan, for a Million Pound, came up to me and said "Claire, kiss that snake.", I'd say. "I'm sorry. I'd rather kiss you!"
(In the boardroom after the kosher chicken incident)
Sir Alan Sugar: It's an insult to the Muslim religion, let alone the Jewish religion. On your CV, what did you say on there? You're a good Jewish boy.
Michael Sophocles: I'm not, I'm only half Jewish, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you either are or you aren't, yeah?
Michael Sophocles: I'm a nice Jewish boy.
Sir Alan Sugar: OK, because if you're unsure, you can always pull your trousers and we can check.
Is it right that you went to a Muslim halal butcher and asked him to give you a kosher chicken, and he actually made a prayer over it, is that right?
Michael Sophocles: That's correct, Sir Alan.
Margaret Mountford: And he slaughtered it for you?
Michael Sophocles: That's correct.
Sir Alan Sugar: Are you having a laugh or what? I don't know why you didn't go the whole hog, and find a Roman Catholic priest to take the butcher's confession. You're here because you're supposed to be intelligent people, it's unbelievable! Aren't you embarrassed, Michael?
Michael Sophocles: I am embarrassed, yes, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: Do you know what the word L'Chaim means?
Michael Sophocles: I know what the word schmuck means.
Sir Alan Sugar: (repeating the question) No, but do you know what the word L'Chaim means?
Michael Sophocles: No.
Sir Alan Sugar: (shocked) You don't?!
You know what? I think this team was totally out of control. It's the people who made the mistakes in buying the products that I can point at, or I can point at the team leader. Be under no illusion, there's no rule, no written rule, that I just have to get rid of one person. There's three terrible mistakes here. I don't give a shit! I'll fire three of you if I have to, I'll fire the whole bloody five of you! Don't bother me at all! It's up to you, you open your bloody mouth, or I'll just make some quick decisions.
(Sir Alan, Margaret and Nick continue the discussion alone...)
Nick Hewer: How can he not know what a kosher chicken is? He did classics at Edinburgh, he's a bright enough boy, how could he make such a mess of things?.
Margaret Mountford: Well, I think Edinburgh's not what it used to be.
You know what, it seems that you hang on every word that I say and turn it on your colleagues. No good, no good. Sorry, same old story. Jenny, you're fired. Goodbye!
(Jenny gets up and leaves)
Right, who's next?
(on the phone to Raef) Just to let you know, we fucking just nailed the blue cactus as well.(laughs) Come on.
Raef Bjayou: (to a seller after he hangs up the phone) Sorry about the bad language you heard there.
Jenny, you are a woman of the world. Slightly older than the rest of the people here.
(Jenny smiles as he says this)
Jenny Celerier: It's my birthday today Sir Alan. I'm thirty-six today.
Sir Alan Sugar: (paying somewhat scant regard) Congratulations. At 36 are you telling me you've never heard of the term "analogy kosher" and you don't know that's associated with Jewish people?
Jenny Celerier: (nodding and shaking her head at the same time) No, Sir Alan.
I think that we need to remember that those in a size 16-32 dress, are size 16-32 for a reason: they love cake.
They're just dumb-dumbs. (after failing to sell a cake to some brides-to-be)
The fundamental flaw here is that the selling approach was wrong, in the sense that you're not selling double glazing.
Michael Sophocles: I didn't sell it like a hard-sell double glazing.
Nick Hewer: Really?
Sara Dhada: We tried our absolute best to sell those cakes, it was really difficult. The first questions, we were asking, "Are you getting married, who are you getting married to? Really interested in their wedding. It is new, it's all edible..."
[Sir Alan winces; Nick and Margaret look at Sara disapprovingly]
Sara Dhada: "...You can do this to it, you can do that to it, you can have different colours put in it, it'll be like a wow factor at your wedding." We explained all these points, and it was so difficult to...
Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, I'll tell you what. If I had been one of the recipients of your sales pitch, if it's anything like what you're doing now, I would have gotten hold of your head and pushed it in the bloody cake!
(in order to generate sales for Alpha, Raef tries on the bear costume slipping on the bear's head)
Raef Bjayou: (laughing for a second) I'm going to suffocate in this thing!
Stop it! Not on! Naughty, Naughty, Naughty!
I don't like the boxing, I don't like the colors, and I don't like the pictures on it and to me that is...
Lee McQueen: So, is it underlying factor then that you shouldn't have volunteered to go and look at the fucking...
Lucinda Ledgerwood: I didn't FUCKING volunteer!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Apprentice pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
