The Angry Video Game Nerd · Season 1
And what's this button for? "PRESS HERE"? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, "PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!" Like some kid's gonna be like, "Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?"
Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was Mcgruff, or Pee-wee, or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy. And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... (drinking his Rolling Rock) and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.
So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
Pickle.
There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, "I own Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu," so people can awkwardly stare at you.
Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.
(Shit Pickle plays the game.) So, what do you think?
Shit!
Exactly.
(on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. (reading the on-screen directions) "Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!" I'm hitting up.
ASSSS! FUUUUCK!
Ooh, I know what you're thinking. "How dare you pick on Double Dragon?" But I'm not. Double Dragons awesome! So is Double Dragon II: The Revenge. But Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones is just a fucking waste.
(Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene) Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... Bimmy and Jimmy? How'd they make a mistake like this!? Bimmy isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? Bimmy and Jimmy? I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. Bimmy and Jimmy. There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking Double Dragon game, and it's the first screen!
Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!
(commenting on the game over screen) That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? (looks at Jason) "You and your friends are dead. Game Over." It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever dies in Nintendo. They're either "defeated" or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like Friday the 13th, that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: "You're fuckin' dead... and your friends, too." Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
"You're dead.
Your friends are dead.
Your family's dead.
Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.
Your mom's a fuckin' whore.
You suck at life.
The whole world hates you.
You're goin' to hell.
Live with it.
Game Over."
I'd rather play Doom on Atari. I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss my fuckin’ asshole!
Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game "Boo! Haunted House!" Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait, make it about Freddy. We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street." And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for "Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts."
Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! [zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]
You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This is fuckin' shit!", "It's diarrhea shit!", "This game is horrible!", "Diarrhea fuck.", "It sucks!", "It's shit!", "It's balls!", "What a piece of shit.", "What a shitload of fuck.", and "What a piece of fuckin' shit."]
Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
Yeah.
So, the hell with that shit.
Yeah, the hell with that... damn shit.
The hell with that damn... fuckin' shit.
THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLSHIT!!!
Relax.
Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of shit! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
Go yank your cock through your ass, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the Power Glove!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
