Squidbillies Season 1 quotes

I reckon I don't never understand you.

And I don't prefer that you do! All my musins and my ramblins.

War, Famine, Death... and grasshoppers. Looks like one just dont quite belong does it?

Mute yer wooo's boy.....there's a seven headed beast afoot."

Okay, this is Big Crimson Daddy. Stop production on all sex toys immediately.

We're... everything?

Uh... I could maybe fold the anal beads team into yo-yos, but... but no vibrators.

Can't we just call them "back massagers"?

No... yes. Yes, we can make that work. I'll call Sharper Image.

What about these, Santa?

The Kalishnakovs? With the Drum-Triber air sight and the fixed stock... oh, God, that's a nice weapon... uh... let me hold off on that one.

I have to say it was all worth it! Screw every last one of you!

Who even cares? Life is merely a fantasy draped in confusion. The curtain is yanked back from the charade!

Would you grab my skull bong, from the reverend please?

We caught up with Halen in his inground pool, inexplicably built in the middle of a giant lake, which is itself a giant aboveground pool.

Mr. Halen, take a look at this. (Turns on TV showing a police riot) The Chicago Democratic Convention in 1968.

Ah, the '60s. I'll never forget them.

I believe that's you in the upper-left corner hitting someone with a chain.

(laughing) I remem-- I remember I made that guy taste the chain. "Taste the chain," I said again and again, long after he was incapable of tasting anything.

We found this in the archives after the invasion of Poland. (Plays stock footage of Halen alongside Adolf Hitler, saluting in full uniform and shouting, "Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil!")

We belonged to the same gym. I suppose you'll take that image out of context and make it into something.

Here you are in Berlin in 1926.

So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. You have a point with this?

According to our research, Dan Halen has apparently existed throughout recorded history.

(against a montage featuring him in a direct capacity, starting with...) Everyone tortured political prisoners during the medieval era. (Atop a Mayan pyramid, pulling out a heart) This sacrifice led to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful. (At the feet of the Crucifixion, wooden hammer in hand) I was taking the nail out. I was trying to help the man. (Cave painting of a body struck by three arrows and Halen with lit torch, dragging woman by the hair) Well, it's not like I invented fire. (As a monk holding a rat over a body) So I spread some of the Black Plague. (Whipping Egyptian slaves) Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British museum. (Atop a unicorn, close to a Tyrannosaurus) Well, that-- that was just an accident.

Mr. Halen, these pictures prove you're tens of thousands of years old.

Melissa...

What do you say to these charges?

I don't recall.

You don't recall that you're a living embodiment of evil?

Uh, no. No, I don't recall that.

A plague on humanity from the beginning of time?

Mmm...no. No, I don't recall.

We have film evidence. We have pictures.

Come on!

What could you possibly say to these charges, Mr. Halen?

I'm sorry, but I'm not equipped to reach a conclusion regarding that assessment at this time. And what's more, let me add that I will explode your head for saying that.

Mr. Hal... (Her head explodes)

Yes, there's no such thing as a free necklace, muckraker.

Granny, that which you babble on makes no damn sense to anybody

I should have put it together. The copious references to "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and former Black Crowes bassist Johnny Colt. Hell, Halen, they're written on waffle bar napkins. Where was my analytical mind?!

Hell yeah. You stepped up. You handled your business!

Hey little possum! Can I feed him, daddy?

Knock yourself out.

Oh hey there, Someone's ears are burning. We are just talking about you-- [Mr. Corn Maze rips Dan Halen in half] AAAHH!!

[picks ups Sherrif] Hello.

Wassup?

Nice face painting.

Yeah. Well, It's supposed to be Spider-Man. Also supposed to be temporary.

Death to America!