Yumyulack quotes from Solar Opposites

Jesse

Oh, this is it, we're done. Someone's gonna find out we're big cheaters and then they're gonna kill us, just like they did with Lance Armstrong.

Yumyulack

He wasn't killed, they just took one nut.

Jesse

Well, we don't have any nuts! What are they gonna take?!

Yumyulack

[to mother] Now your baby can read. You're welcome.

What? Why?

Yumyulack

[zaps her too] Now you can read! Getting fulfilled!

I could already read, I'm a famous novelist!

Yumyulack

[zaps her hat] Now your hat can read!

Stop that! What are you doing?!

Yumyulack

[zaps her car] Your car can read!

This alien is educating my things!

Stop right there, you dirty alien! [Yumyulack zaps him] Oh God, I can read? What if I gain empathy?! What if I learn things that force me to re-evaluate my hardline conservative opinions?! OH MY GOD!

Remember when we all went and saw Ready Player One?

Yumyulack

No. But I wipe my mind after seeing any movie where people don't steal the Declaration of Independence.

There was one scene in Ready Player One where that computer kid went inside The Shining.

Yumyulack

Wait, they just put a better movie inside their movie?

Terry

Since when did Jimmy Stewart have a gun in that movie?

Jesse

Everyone used to carry a gun back then. Shirley Temple used to keep one up her hoo-ha! That's what the song "Lollipop" is about!

Yumyulack

Duh - everyone knows that.

Dammit, how did the Pupa get his Harry Potter whistle again?! Terry, I thought you locked it up in the childproof cabinets where we keep the poison darts!

Terry

I did, I did, I put it behind the poison darts!

Jesse

That song is so annoying! Stop it, Pupa!

Terry

You didn't do anything for the Christmas stuff with this, Pupa, you're bad!

Yumyulack

How does he keep getting that thing?! Is he, like, out getting help?! Who would do that?! He can't even complete a full sentence!

[stops playing the whistle after Terry, Korvo, Jesse, and Yumyulack leave the room] Merry Christmas, everyone!

In these first moments of your mission, remember what is at stake. Shlorp is depending on your--

Terry

Ugh! Boring, boring, boring! [fast-forwards video]

Yumyulack, protector and head of security. You ward off any threats to the mission. Strong and fierce, willing to die so the team can live.

Yumyulack

Let's put "willing to die" down as a maybe.

Jesse, the chronicler. Be observant. Record your adventures with clarity, both in triumph and defeat so future Shlorpians learn from your mistakes.

Jesse

Whoa, I'm like the J. K. Rowling of this pack! Crucio!

Terry, your job is most important. Because the Pupa will grow up to terraform your new planet, you must nurture him. For as the Pupa specialist, he is your responsibility--

Terry

[stops the video] Hold the fսck on! I'm supposed to be taking care of the Pupa?!

Jesse

Korvo says that all the time, Terry!

Yumyulack

Yeah, this isn't news.

Terry

I'm not ready to raise a Pupa! I-I'm still finding myself! I wanna go to Cabo, dammit!

Yumyulack

Damn, you look thicc, Pupa. What's the deal?

He gets all backed up with the stuff he eats off the ground. Terry's supposed to clean him out, but he hates doing it.

Don't let him hear it's time, or he'll hide in the crawlspace under the house.

Terry

[muffled] Ow!

Jesse

We could do it! Decluttering stuff is a passion of mine, like pottery or Korean hentai.

Great, it's all yours. See if Terry's retainer is in there - his teeth are starting to look like Justin drew them himself.

This is stupid! How are we still in the same goddamn line from last episode?!

Terry

Ah, this could take forever. That's part of why it's so great!

Jesse

Have we moved at all?

Yumyulack

Not me. But I try to limit my movements each day so I can save energy, in case I run into Tim Burton - so I can punch him in the face for plagiarizing my whole tone!

Yumyulack

I'm glad Korvo paid for season passes, so we won't have to watch a bunch of ads as we walk through the park.

Jesse

Well, except for some rides, which, due to previous rights issues, have to start and end with a commercial for Lexus.

Yumyulack

I heard sometimes they try to sneak ads into the actual rides without telling people. Not that I'd mind with Lexus. [to the camera, while a Lexus poster is shown on their wall] Their vehicles are the peak of luxury and automotive excellence!

Yumyulack

Whoa - Principal Cooke has seen some darkness. Now I kinda like him.

Jesse

Me too! All he ever wanted to do was play the trumpet, but his dad was a big fat piece of shit. Maybe we were meant to be here. Maybe today is about seeing people through their eyes and not how we perceive them. Maybe if we help Principal Cooke, we'll get out alive and with a better understanding of how a life not lived can crush a man's soul--

Yumyulack

Okay, that is way too bleak for me. This isn't BoJack Horseman!

Yumyulack

[grinning] Whoa, their sun went nova?! How do we make ours do that?!

Aisha

You just have to find an isotope of--

DON'T TELL HIM! That's three dead teams in a row.

Aisha

So?

Isn't that, like, totes random?

Aisha

Space is fսcking dangerous.

Yumyulack

[still grinning] Hell yeah, it is! Tell us about more dead teams!

Terry

But skip the backstories. I don't wanna get emotionally invested if they're all gonna get Mufasa-ed.

Yumyulack

Hey! A giant bird is basically a T. rex!

Aisha

You're basically a little bitch.

We're being spied on. Everyone in that restaurant had earpieces. No one was eating their dinner, they just kept staring at us.

Yumyulack

Uh, yeah, these are rural people. Seeing city folk like us is a big deal, 'cause we're so much better dressed and smarter than they is.

Yumyulack

[being stretched on a rack in Hell] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Ohhh, that's making the plant fiber I have instead of a spine feel better than it has in years!

Fuck!

Yumyulack

Hey, it's okay, you just don't know how to torture an alien.

If torments of flesh do not affect you, we have other ways! How would you feel seeing... YOUR MOTHER DEVOURED BY A WOLF?!

Yumyulack

I don't have a mom! I was grown from a clipping in a bucket of dirt!

A "clipping"?!

Yumyulack

Yeah, like a tiny piece of Korvo, my team leader. I'm a replicant!

[sighs]

We usually just deal with humans and racist dogs. Sometimes dolphins.

What's happening? What's that beam?!

Yumyulack

[laughs as the beam lifts him] Oh, shit! My family is bringing me back from the dead, because they're SCI-FI AS FUCK, BABY! All this stupid Hell shit is derivative! Including you, you big BITCH! [laughs again]

Stop that! Get back here!

Yumyulack

SUCK MY SCI-FI, SATAN! [rises up out of Hell]