David Fisher quotes from Six Feet Under

Nate

I, uh, think Mr. Suarez kinda shit himself. Is that normal?

David

You stopped to eat? Do you have any respect for human life at all?

Nate

I have a huge respect for human life! I just didn't know that they can take a dump when they're dead!

David

Well, they can. Make a note of it!

Ruth

Boys, I don't like this bickering.

David

Yeah, and I don't like you sleeping with hairdressers. [Ruth slaps David. David walks away, followed by Nate]

Nate

Look, don't take this out on Mom. What is it that you want to say to me?

David

Well, there's a body that's spent over two hours in a van. Unrefrigerated. Decomposing at a rate much faster than you could ever imagine. Thanks for making my life just that much more difficult. Thanks for undermining my authority with our employees. And thanks for making so clear to me that my choice to dedicate myself to this business and to this family was really stupid, because apparently I would have be rewarded just the same for wasting my life.

Nate

Oh, my life is a waste? Well, fuck you. At least I enjoy it.

David

Well, lucky you.

Nate

Dave, at least let me help.

David

You've helped enough.

David

I don't understand kids! When I was her age, I never would've taken a foot!

Keith

David, I can help. I'm a cop. That's what I do for a living.

David

You find feet?

Okay, I'll make it simple; you either accept my offer by the end of the day or I'll make it my personal mission to bury you by the end of the month. David, you in on this suicide mission?

David

You just threatened my family.

Let's not be melodramatic.

David

What do you expect us to do? Run and hide, sell and be grateful, pack up and move?

If you're smart.

David

You have the entire Kroehner organization behind you, and what do we have? You. Because one day when your mind isn't on Fisher & Sons, I will find you or someone you love. [Gilardi laughs.] I'm not saying anyone's going to die. There are tragedies far worse things than death: things you couldn't even dream of, you spineless, candy-ass, corporate fuck. Just give me a reason. It's your decision. Are we worth the trouble, Mr. Gilardi? [Gilardi looks nervously at David.] Lunch is over, get lost.

Nate

[to Matt Gilardi] Are you deaf? [Gilardi leaves.]

Nate

Come on, Dave. I watch Will & Grace. I have gay-dar.

David

Okay, don't say gay-dar.

David

All she told the police is that he was boring.

Nate

What, that's it? … Sick part is, I understand it. … Sometimes I'm boring.

David

Me, too. [awkward silence]

Aren't you enjoying this even one bit?

David

Yeah, I'm loving it. Why?

Well, your dick isn't responding.

I'm a psychic, so, y'know …

David

Wow, that must be very interesting.

It's just more information.

Claire

You know, it's polite for the first person downstairs to make the coffee even if that person has a penis!

Nate

Well, you know, it's also polite for the first person who uses the bathroom to spend less than 45 minutes in there even if that person has a vulva.

Ruth

[entering] Oh goodness, everyone's here.

David

With all their genitalia.

David

Maybe Emily Previn was autistic. I read an article once about a high-functioning autistic person who didn't need people. She just had a job designing these big cattle slaughterhouses. At night, she came home and sat in a machine that made her feel like she was being hugged. And that was all the intimacy she needed.

Nate

That's really upsetting.

Claire

I don't see why this person has to be mentally ill just because she had a life that doesn't conform to some familiar image that we have in our heads. Maybe she was living the life she wanted. The life without the hassle of other people.

Ruth

What kind of a life is that?

It's what our father wanted.

No, it's what you want, because you never liked me!

Well, you got that right.

You hate that you couldn't control your father when he was alive, and now you're trying to do it when he's dead.

It was his decision!

David

There is a significant unpaid balance on the account.

We'll pay for it!

If you take one cent from him, you'll be hearing from my attorney!

David

I really don't think that's necessary.

Oh, no? I gave the last six years of my life to that man; and contrary to what these stupid bitches think, I really did love him and I will not be humiliated like this!

Yeah, well, if you do not follow our father's instructions exactly, you'll be hearing from our attorney, who used to work for Disney.

Oh, bring it on, ferret face!

Oh, fuck you, you gold-digging slut!

How dare you!

There are naked pictures of you on the Internet! My son showed them to me!

Nate

Shut up! All of you, shut the fuck up! Jesus Christ, a man died. Your husband, your father lived a life, and now he's dead. Show some respect.

David

What are you looking for?

Keith

Anything that seems too, uh … funny.

David

Funny "ha-ha," or funny gay?

Claire

[on Nikolai] How thrilled are we that we never have to call him "Daddy"?

David

Thank God she snapped out of it.

Nate

[about the Bennett funeral] Can't Rico do it?

David

I believe his exact words were: "No fucking way. I'm not your fucking gopher any more."

Nate

[about Maya] You guys, she took the most amazing poop this morning!

David

Who, Lisa?

David

And you are his wife?

Yes.

Yes.