Keith Charles quotes from Six Feet Under

Keith

Javier, I'm gay. I have a boyfriend. I sleep with men, okay? I have a lot of sex, and it's really, really gay.

Keith

[to David] You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush administration, so I guess it all evens out.

Keith

[to David] You are such a mom! [They laugh.]

David

I don't understand kids! When I was her age, I never would've taken a foot!

Keith

David, I can help. I'm a cop. That's what I do for a living.

David

You find feet?

David

What are you looking for?

Keith

Anything that seems too, uh … funny.

David

Funny "ha-ha," or funny gay?

David

I think we've had enough excitement for a while.

Keith

The three-ways?

David

Well, yeah.

Keith

What about them?

David

Don't you think that maybe they're not the best thing for us?

Keith

Ho-ho, really? So that wasn't you the other night that kept begging us to arrest and interrogate you?

Keith

What's so strange?

David

I don't know … the thought that I just got blown in the same bed where my mom used to read me the "Runaway Bunny."

Keith

[about Arthur] Maybe we should buy him a whole new wardrobe. Do they ever do that? Queer Eye for the Gay Guy.

David

I don't think Arthur's gay. I think he's A.

Keith

I don't know. I think asexual people are asexual because they don't wanna come out of the closet.

David

[consulting Keith what to wear on the job] Helmut Lang jeans, black tee-shirt — the faded Banana Republic one with the stretch — and black lace-up boots.

Keith

David, this is a profession, okay? There's an image to project. That image isn't fucking Keith of Finland.

David

Are you not out on the job?

Keith

No one's ever asked.

David

You big whore!

Keith

[on phone with David] Honey, forget about it. You're just feeling needy right now.

David

Honey? When do you ever call me honey? Because you don't want them to know you're talking to a guy. Jesus, why don't you just call me Darlene?

Keith

David, you can take a little more time off.

David

Four days of daytime TV is my personal limit, okay? If I see another triumph over weight loss, I think I'll kill myself!

I don't get fucked in the ass.

Keith

That makes one of us.

Keith

I slept with Celeste.

David

Okay, bullshit. Celeste is a woman … [confused] isn't she?

David

It's just so absurd. The idea that there are kids waiting for homes, and people still have the nerve to say who's good enough, and who isn't based on are you gay or not.

Keith

People are stupid. What a shock.

Keith

[about Jake] If you could do anything, what would you do?

David

I'd tell him what I think of him and what he did to me, that evil, evil fuck.

Keith

Well, you can do that!

David

I know. I said it all to the therapy pillow.