David Fisher quotes from Six Feet Under

David

I think we've had enough excitement for a while.

Keith

The three-ways?

David

Well, yeah.

Keith

What about them?

David

Don't you think that maybe they're not the best thing for us?

Keith

Ho-ho, really? So that wasn't you the other night that kept begging us to arrest and interrogate you?

David

So, what if I just shut the door on Keith, like he's dead to me... I'll just end up replacing him with someone else, the same way that mom is replacing you with George. Is that all life is? We just go through it replacing people?

Pretty much. Some people just do it faster and more often than others."

Keith

What's so strange?

David

I don't know … the thought that I just got blown in the same bed where my mom used to read me the "Runaway Bunny."

Nate

So, Keith.

David

So what about him?

Nate

You guys are back together?

David

No.

Nate

He was there this morning.

David

He was a little drunk last night, I let him stay over. I was being polite.

Nate

Polite and horny.

Nate

I can't do this any more!

David

What are you saying?

Nate

I'm saying I quit. I've got to find another kind of life for myself. And not just for myself, but for Maya, too.

George

Did you know that the average American changes careers seven times during his or her lifetime?

David

Is that information supposed to be useful in some way, George?

George

It's just a fact.

Keith

[about Arthur] Maybe we should buy him a whole new wardrobe. Do they ever do that? Queer Eye for the Gay Guy.

David

I don't think Arthur's gay. I think he's A.

Keith

I don't know. I think asexual people are asexual because they don't wanna come out of the closet.

David

[consulting Keith what to wear on the job] Helmut Lang jeans, black tee-shirt — the faded Banana Republic one with the stretch — and black lace-up boots.

Keith

David, this is a profession, okay? There's an image to project. That image isn't fucking Keith of Finland.

David

Are you not out on the job?

Keith

No one's ever asked.

David

You big whore!

David

[trying to catch the dog] Charlie! Here, boy, I got a cookie. I got a cookie for you!

Don't lie to my dog!

Keith

[on phone with David] Honey, forget about it. You're just feeling needy right now.

David

Honey? When do you ever call me honey? Because you don't want them to know you're talking to a guy. Jesus, why don't you just call me Darlene?

George

[about David's new cellphone] Well, it's the one good thing about getting robbed, right? It's a great excuse for getting a new gadget.

David

I hope it happens again so I can get a new palm pilot!

Keith

David, you can take a little more time off.

David

Four days of daytime TV is my personal limit, okay? If I see another triumph over weight loss, I think I'll kill myself!

Claire

It's so much easier to be gay.

David

Oh no!

Claire

Yeah, I'd have a really defined subculture.

David

Overrated!

Claire

We're both women, I'd have some idea of what she was thinking and feeling.

David

Not necessarily.

Claire

I wouldn't have to deal with unfamiliar sex organs.

David

They're all unfamiliar unless they're yours.

Keith

I slept with Celeste.

David

Okay, bullshit. Celeste is a woman … [confused] isn't she?

David

It's just so absurd. The idea that there are kids waiting for homes, and people still have the nerve to say who's good enough, and who isn't based on are you gay or not.

Keith

People are stupid. What a shock.