Audrey Jensen quotes from Scream

Audrey Jensen

Is that a pig? God, I'm never eating bacon again.

Noah Foster

The socially awkward Catholic school film geek is your lesbian lover and I have to find out on YouTube? I call a best friend foul.

Audrey Jensen

I didn't make the video.

Noah Foster

[chuckling] Oh, yeah. Lack of production value made that pretty clear, but if we could just move right on back to the whole lesbian thing.

Audrey Jensen

Okay. Not a lesbian, not discussing it.

Jake Fitzgerald

Who could resist a murder selfie?

Noah Foster

Which is what the killer is counting on.

Alright Will Graham, what is this killer's design?

Noah Foster

Well, murder is a lonely game, you know. I mean say you're the killer, OK, you sneak into Nina's house, skulk around, scare her and then you kill her. Boom. But then what? Take a victory lap around the pool? You just stand watching the blood spread out in the water, thinking crazy guy stuff.

Brooke Maddox

Creepy monologue alert.

Riley Marra

So maybe it's no good if he's the only one watching.

Noah Foster

Exactly, yeah, uh, it's the age of Instragram, YouTube and Tumblr. I mean we need to share the things we do or it's like it never happened. [Riley gets a text on her phone and takes her phone out to read it]

Riley, phones off.

Riley Marra

Sorry Mr. B. But my friend from St Mary's texted, a girl who goes there died! [everyone is shocked, especially Audrey, who immediately checks her phone]

Brooke Maddox

No way! Who was it?

Jake Fitzgerald

How'd it happen?

Riley Marra

It doesn't say.

I'm sorry to hear that. But why do we get back to...

Audrey Jensen

[while gets up from her seat] I've, uh... [starts to run out of the room and leaves] got to go to the bathroom!

Actually, we could all use a minute.

Audrey Jensen

Drinking on the job is a new thing for you.

Noah Foster

They can't fire me. I'm the only one who knows how to reset the router.

Audrey Jensen

Hey, we could team up: Bi-curious and the Virgin.

Noah Foster

That's the world's saddest crime-fighting duo.

Noah Foster

Holy Christmas! Oh, I knew it. It's a genuine killer's lair.

That's a thing?

Audrey Jensen

Please don't get him started.

Noah Foster

A lair is an extension of the killer's psychosis: the root cellar in Psycho, Kevin Spacey's apartment in Se7en, Hannibal Lecter's kitchen. I mean, every fictional killer has one.

So he's been living here?

Noah Foster

I highly doubt it. No, this looks staged. I mean, you see lairs on TV, not in real life. Take Pretty Little Liars. They're always chock-full of bloody little clues and creepy, unrealistic icons. I mean, seriously, how would 'A' get her hands on four Victorian dolls that look just like the main characters? Where do you shop for that?

Audrey Jensen

Evil American Girl doll store?

Noah Foster

I can't believe you two came here without me.

Yeah, you're right. After you.

Noah Foster

Audrey, you can't just invade a guy's laptop.

Audrey Jensen

Oh, please. He's invading everyone's everything.

Audrey Jensen

Nice resting-creep-face.

Noah Foster

Back atcha.

Emma Duval

Look, Audrey, I know you want the truth. So let's find it.

Audrey Jensen

Let's just prove it beyond a doubt.

Noah Foster

Bi-curious and the Virgin are on it.