Chanel Oberlin quotes from Scream Queens

Chanel Oberlin

Life is a class system.

Chanel Oberlin

My name is Chanel Oberlin, and I am the queen of Kappa Kappa Tau.

Chanel Oberlin

This has been the worst night of my life. My pumpkin patch was canceled because one of those idiot twins decided it'd rather to get killed than keep boning #5.

Chanel Oberlin

ATTENTION ALL USELESS KAPPA SLUTS – Congratulations! If you’re reading this it means you’ve overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you’re asking yourself “DERR, wait, I’m confused. Is Chanel talking to me? Am I a useless Kappa slut?" Simply ask yourself the following question aloud: "IS MY NAME CHANEL #3, CHANEL #5, CHANEL #6 or ZAYDAY WILLIAMS?” If the answer to that is YES then FELICITATIONS! THIS MISSIVE IS FOR YOU! So, do you all remember when we agreed to meet at the campus pool and kill the Dean and I got you all awesome new phones so that when it came time to meet, the phone would light up a certain color, and when it did, you didn’t even have to answer it? You just had to come meet at the aforementioned pool? And then do you remember NOT coming to the pool, despite me making it super easy for you by concocting a plan so simple that an orangutan could have figured it out? Like, literally a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have looked down at the phone sticking out of the single pocket in the front of his comical lederhosen and seen it light up and used his short little legs to waddle over to his tiny motorized shriners car and driven to the pool like I asked. Do you remember any aspect of this SUPER SIMPLE PLAN? That’s not a rhetorical question. I’m literally asking if your tiny slut brains have the power to process ANY OF MY SUPER-SIMPLE ORANGUTAN LEVEL INSTRUCTIONS! Because what I remember is that NONE OF YOU SHOWED UP! Which meant I had to sit at that stupid pool by myself like a GRADE-A ASSHAT with a bag full of enormous chains to drown Dean Munsch with and then have a super awkward convo with her where I was like “OH DURR I JUST LIKE BRING ENORMOUS CHAINS TO POOLS” and I looked like a total div. I don’t entirely know what you whores could have been doing that was more important than helping your chapter president drown a serial killer, but unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure liquid gold at a new local establishment called "LIQUID GOLD COLONICS FOR YOUNG SLUTS", like, if you were doing LITERALLY ANYTHING else, you all should seriously consider doing the human race a favor and getting sterilized. I’m not being facetious, I literally think you should consider undergoing a surgical procedure to remove your ovaries, thereby sparing human race exposure to your DNA. You four trollops ARE THE WORST SPECIMEN OF HUMAN BEINGS EVER BORN and you should all REALLY watch your backs, because if this serial killer targeting Kappa house doesn’t chop off your heads, I'M GOING TO DO IT! So I can sell your tiny whore brain pans to science.

So yesterday I marched right up to the front desk and I'm like, "What do I have to do to get to Heaven?" And do you know what Carl Sagan said to me? That I had to make things right with you, Chanel.

Chanel Oberlin

that's it! i'm done with this dead lying bitch. i'm done with you #2. have fun in the hell going to dinner with Osama Bin Laden.

I was just about to cook us up my mother's famous falafel enchiladas. It's an old family recipe which fits perfectly with the sort of vague, enigmatic quality of my skin tone.

Chanel Oberlin

I hope you fat heifers did your homework. Zayday is the killer and that walking jawline Grace what's-her-nuts is in on it.

Chanel Oberlin

You have to fix this, you have to prove that Zayday and that pencil neck Grace are the killers and do it fast daddy.

Hester Ulrich

[picking up some of Chanel's clothes] I have to say, Chanel, I am delighted and shocked that you're letting me keep whatever clothes I want. It's really big of you, considering the whole "I'm pregnant with your boyfriend's baby" thing.

Chanel Oberlin

Well, honestly, the more I thought about it, I just realized that I love Chad so much, and part of loving someone is loving every choice they make, regardless of how selfish and destructive it is, you know?

Hester Ulrich

[picks up Chanel's kimono] Thank you, Mommy. Oh, and if you want to start calling me Mommy, now being that I'm the one that's gonna actually be the mommy, I'm totally fine with that.

Number 6, before you try on that kimono, why haven't you had any of this sushi? I mean, we got it just for you.

Hester Ulrich

Mm, don't mind if I do! [eats the sushi] Mmm. That's so good. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and do yourself a favor. [shows the cheese] Have a little slice of that soft, unpasteurized cheese. [Hester eats the cheese] It makes any sushi that much more delicious.

Hester Ulrich

Mmm! You're right.

Chanel Oberlin

Oh, and, Hester, you have got to taste this champagne. [holds the two glasses of champagne] It's a special champagne with triple the alcohol and a... nicotine-y mouth feel, because it's infused with tobacco.

Hester Ulrich

Mmm, De-lish!

Chanel Oberlin

Liar!

Hester Ulrich

What the hell is going on?!

Chanel Oberlin

You're trapped in a web of lies, whore! You just had sushi, soft cheese and alcohol! Three foods that are damaging to embryos! Which means, you're not pregnant!

Hester Ulrich

That's not true! I didn't know anything about the whole... sushi-cheese-alcohol thing!

Chanel Oberlin

Fine! Prove it. You're not leaving this room until you've peed on every single one of these pregnancy tests!

Hester Ulrich

[chuckles] Hmm..., I had all three of you fooled, didn't I?! Fine! You got me, I'm not pregnant!

Hester Ulrich

But it doesn't matter, [Chanel was stunned] because Chad still thinks that I am and being that he already purchased our first-class airfare to the Hamptons. That means that I'll be the one attending Thanksgiving where I'll have ample opportunity to get pregnant all weekend long!

Chanel Oberlin

[screeching] I'LL KILL YOU, NECKBRAAAACE!!!

Chanel Oberlin

Hester, I owe you an apology. Yes, I did push you down the stairs in an attempt to murder you and your fake unborn baby. And while my motivations were airtight and my conscience clear, still, I'm sorry. You, Chanel #6, are my sister, and that bond is stronger than some silly little attempt on your life.

Hester Ulrich

Thank you.

Chanel Oberlin

And furthermore, I'm sorry that you had to sit through the most mean-spirited game of Pictionary in the history of Pictionary! I mean, no one deserves to be spoken to like that, particularly not by what is, without a doubt, the most awful family in America! Chad, your leathery excuse for a mother looks like an ostrich-hide clutch from last season that somehow learned to talk. And, Mr. Radwell, I have never seen anyone spend so much money to make a house look this tacky! I've honestly seen more tasteful decor at a Sizzler. And you, Thad, have a bright future ahead of you in the sex offender wing of a supermax prison! [to Brad] And you, sir, give the kind, hard-working, deeply moral people who work in such a wonderful industry as Hollywood a bad name! And, Chad Radwell, whatever we had between us is over! I am walking out that door and never speaking to you again.

You know you say that a lot, right?

Chanel Oberlin

Well, consider this coming to my senses, because no woman in her right mind would want anything to do with this family! So goodbye, Chad. Goodbye forever.

Chanel is right. All they're gonna do is look at Gigi's severed, roasted head and say that they have no proof that it is in any way related to the killings at campus

Chanel Oberlin

Shut up, Number Five! When you agree with me it makes me question whether I actually agree with me.

Unfortunately, Chanel... you have tested positive for STDs.

What?!

Which ones?

All of them.

Yes, you've tested positive for syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis...

A, B and C.

Uh, genital warts, HPV, vaginosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, herpes...

The bad kind, not the cold sore kind.

No. Also the cold sore kind. Vaginal yeast, male genital yeast, chancroid, trichomoniasis, and good old-fashioned crabs.

That's not a disease per se, but there was a crab just floating in the sample.