Life is a class system.
S1 E15Unfinished Business
My name is Chanel Oberlin, and I am the queen of Kappa Kappa Tau.
C5Chanel #5
[to Chanel Oberlin] Last night I had an amazing three-some with Roger and Dodger and I realized that I'd rather focus my attention this semester on getting spit-roasted by hot frat twins than help you figure out who is murdering a bunch of dumb gashes.
C5Chanel #5
[to Chanel Oberlin] I got Eiffel-towered by hot morons who are brothers and now I'm out. See it occurred to me that I don't really care where Chanel #2 is. You're the president which means it's your problem.
This has been the worst night of my life. My pumpkin patch was canceled because one of those idiot twins decided it'd rather to get killed than keep boning #5.
JJennifer
Oh. Um, I just kinda came over here because I farted over there and it smelled bad.
C3Chanel #3
Just so you know, I took all your clothes.
C5Chanel #5
It's too bad you had to die before we found out what ethnicity you are.
CRChad Radwell
Godspeed, Chanel #2. God, I loved porking you so much.
C2Chanel #2
See, despite what you've heard, hell sucks; it's not fun. Yes, there are waterslides, but they're lined with razor blades and you splash down into a pool of boiling pee. Also, zero dinosaurs. As soon as I got there, I was like, "Where are the dinosaurs?" And they were like, "We know. Jesus broke in and stole them."
C2Chanel #2
So yesterday I marched right up to the front desk and I'm like, "What do I have to do to get to Heaven?" And do you know what Carl Sagan said to me? That I had to make things right with you, Chanel.
that's it! i'm done with this dead lying bitch. i'm done with you #2. have fun in the hell going to dinner with Osama Bin Laden.
C5Chanel #5
Why are you wearing my clothes?
DHDenise Hemphill
The bigger question is: Why are you the same size as a 40-year-old woman?
DHDenise Hemphill
I don't know what brand of G-String it is you use, but I feel like angels are flossing by butt crack
GCGigi Caldwell
I was just about to cook us up my mother's famous falafel enchiladas. It's an old family recipe which fits perfectly with the sort of vague, enigmatic quality of my skin tone.
I hope you fat heifers did your homework. Zayday is the killer and that walking jawline Grace what's-her-nuts is in on it.
You have to fix this, you have to prove that Zayday and that pencil neck Grace are the killers and do it fast daddy.
[Boone appears inside Zayday's room, dressed in formal attire and holding a bouquet of flowers.; Zayday was stunned.]
ZWZayday Williams
Boone? I thought you were dead.
BCBoone Clemens
Yes. I am his ghost. I am "Ghost Boone", but you can just call me Boone.
ZWZayday Williams
Nice shirt.
BCBoone Clemens
[checks on his shirt] Thank you. You know what it's made out of?
ZWZayday Williams
What?
BCBoone Clemens
"Boyfriend material."
[Zayday was confused.]
BCBoone Clemens
So listen, the afterlife is kind of a weird place. Um, I don't know if you know this about me, but... I was a pretty amazing person when I was alive. And because of that, when I got to Heaven they offered me whatever I wanted... but I said what I want more than anything... is to come back down to earth, as a ghost... and make sweet love to Zayday Williams. [gives the bouquet to Zayday] A couple times. Maybe we can even date for a little while.
ZWZayday Williams
[coldly] There's just one problem... [shoves the bouquet to Boone] I don't believe in ghosts!
BCBoone Clemens
[chuckles] Well, then how do you explain me being here?
ZWZayday Williams
You faked your death!
[Grace appears in the room carrying clothes.]
GGGrace Gardner
Hey, Zayday, have you seen my--- [gasps when she saw Boone alive] Oh, my God, Boone?!
ZWZayday Williams
[to Grace] Boone is in here trying to seduce me with the oldest line in the book: he says he's a "ghost".
GGGrace Gardner
Wait. [places the clothes in the bed] This all makes sense, Of course you would fake your own death so no one would suspect you!
BCBoone Clemens
[surrounded by Grace and Zayday] Are you trying to say I'm the Red Devil Killer? Cause that's insane.
ZWZayday Williams
We both know how you got this fork mark on your hand! [grabs Boone's hand, revealing the scar from the fork that Zayday had stabbed him earlier] From when I stabbed you in your evil lair. You're coming with us!
[Zayday and Grace grabbed Boone. They struggle as Boone barely escape through the window.]
[picking up some of Chanel's clothes] I have to say, Chanel, I am delighted and shocked that you're letting me keep whatever clothes I want. It's really big of you, considering the whole "I'm pregnant with your boyfriend's baby" thing.
Well, honestly, the more I thought about it, I just realized that I love Chad so much, and part of loving someone is loving every choice they make, regardless of how selfish and destructive it is, you know?
[picks up Chanel's kimono] Thank you, Mommy. Oh, and if you want to start calling me Mommy, now being that I'm the one that's gonna actually be the mommy, I'm totally fine with that.
C5Chanel #5
Number 6, before you try on that kimono, why haven't you had any of this sushi? I mean, we got it just for you.
Mm, don't mind if I do! [eats the sushi] Mmm. That's so good. Mm-hmm.
C3Chanel #3
Oh, and do yourself a favor. [shows the cheese] Have a little slice of that soft, unpasteurized cheese. [Hester eats the cheese] It makes any sushi that much more delicious.
Mmm! You're right.
Oh, and, Hester, you have got to taste this champagne. [holds the two glasses of champagne] It's a special champagne with triple the alcohol and a... nicotine-y mouth feel, because it's infused with tobacco.
[Hester takes the glass and sips.]
Mmm, De-lish!
[Chanel knocks the wineglass off of Hester's hand.]
Liar!
What the hell is going on?!
[Number 5 and Number 3 closes the closet doors]
You're trapped in a web of lies, whore! You just had sushi, soft cheese and alcohol! Three foods that are damaging to embryos! Which means, you're not pregnant!
That's not true! I didn't know anything about the whole... sushi-cheese-alcohol thing!
Fine! Prove it. You're not leaving this room until you've peed on every single one of these pregnancy tests!
[Number 5 and Number 3 shows the thermometers to Hester.]
[chuckles] Hmm..., I had all three of you fooled, didn't I?! Fine! You got me, I'm not pregnant!
[Chanel gasps in excitement]
But it doesn't matter, [Chanel was stunned] because Chad still thinks that I am and being that he already purchased our first-class airfare to the Hamptons. That means that I'll be the one attending Thanksgiving where I'll have ample opportunity to get pregnant all weekend long!
[Hester walks away, leaving Chanel and her minions shocked and upset.]
[screeching] I'LL KILL YOU, NECKBRAAAACE!!!
[Hester continues to walk off, ignoring Chanel who screams in anger and frustration. Chanel tries to follow her.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scream Queens pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.