Hester Ulrich quotes from Scream Queens

Hester Ulrich

Even though I only ate asylum food and never really exercised, I was blessed with a super tight bod. My butt could launch a thousand ships, and my boobs were remarkably perky and even. Couple that with my BJ lips, and I was gonna need something pretty spectacular to keep everyone from wanting to get all up in this.

Hester Ulrich

[picking up some of Chanel's clothes] I have to say, Chanel, I am delighted and shocked that you're letting me keep whatever clothes I want. It's really big of you, considering the whole "I'm pregnant with your boyfriend's baby" thing.

Chanel Oberlin

Well, honestly, the more I thought about it, I just realized that I love Chad so much, and part of loving someone is loving every choice they make, regardless of how selfish and destructive it is, you know?

Hester Ulrich

[picks up Chanel's kimono] Thank you, Mommy. Oh, and if you want to start calling me Mommy, now being that I'm the one that's gonna actually be the mommy, I'm totally fine with that.

Number 6, before you try on that kimono, why haven't you had any of this sushi? I mean, we got it just for you.

Hester Ulrich

Mm, don't mind if I do! [eats the sushi] Mmm. That's so good. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and do yourself a favor. [shows the cheese] Have a little slice of that soft, unpasteurized cheese. [Hester eats the cheese] It makes any sushi that much more delicious.

Hester Ulrich

Mmm! You're right.

Chanel Oberlin

Oh, and, Hester, you have got to taste this champagne. [holds the two glasses of champagne] It's a special champagne with triple the alcohol and a... nicotine-y mouth feel, because it's infused with tobacco.

Hester Ulrich

Mmm, De-lish!

Chanel Oberlin

Liar!

Hester Ulrich

What the hell is going on?!

Chanel Oberlin

You're trapped in a web of lies, whore! You just had sushi, soft cheese and alcohol! Three foods that are damaging to embryos! Which means, you're not pregnant!

Hester Ulrich

That's not true! I didn't know anything about the whole... sushi-cheese-alcohol thing!

Chanel Oberlin

Fine! Prove it. You're not leaving this room until you've peed on every single one of these pregnancy tests!

Hester Ulrich

[chuckles] Hmm..., I had all three of you fooled, didn't I?! Fine! You got me, I'm not pregnant!

Hester Ulrich

But it doesn't matter, [Chanel was stunned] because Chad still thinks that I am and being that he already purchased our first-class airfare to the Hamptons. That means that I'll be the one attending Thanksgiving where I'll have ample opportunity to get pregnant all weekend long!

Chanel Oberlin

[screeching] I'LL KILL YOU, NECKBRAAAACE!!!

Chanel Oberlin

Hester, I owe you an apology. Yes, I did push you down the stairs in an attempt to murder you and your fake unborn baby. And while my motivations were airtight and my conscience clear, still, I'm sorry. You, Chanel #6, are my sister, and that bond is stronger than some silly little attempt on your life.

Hester Ulrich

Thank you.

Chanel Oberlin

And furthermore, I'm sorry that you had to sit through the most mean-spirited game of Pictionary in the history of Pictionary! I mean, no one deserves to be spoken to like that, particularly not by what is, without a doubt, the most awful family in America! Chad, your leathery excuse for a mother looks like an ostrich-hide clutch from last season that somehow learned to talk. And, Mr. Radwell, I have never seen anyone spend so much money to make a house look this tacky! I've honestly seen more tasteful decor at a Sizzler. And you, Thad, have a bright future ahead of you in the sex offender wing of a supermax prison! [to Brad] And you, sir, give the kind, hard-working, deeply moral people who work in such a wonderful industry as Hollywood a bad name! And, Chad Radwell, whatever we had between us is over! I am walking out that door and never speaking to you again.

You know you say that a lot, right?

Chanel Oberlin

Well, consider this coming to my senses, because no woman in her right mind would want anything to do with this family! So goodbye, Chad. Goodbye forever.

Hester Ulrich

Oh, more than some, Dean. I-I read your best-selling New York Times book three times. Th-These kids were martyrs for a much bigger cause.

I know it was you, Hester. I remember that little girl's face in the bathroom that night. Burned into my memory, like Joe Theismann's injury and Two Girls One Cup. I remember every detail of her little face. And I certainly would know what she would look like all grown up.

Hester Ulrich

It's not my fault that all of that happened to me. You see how awesome Wes is. He would've been my dad. I would've had a good life. Maybe if I would've had a real dad, my brother wouldn't have turned into such a douche. Maybe family trips to ski in Innsbruck or to Williamstown to see Tim Daly in Death of a Salesman would've turned me into a much more sane young woman. But that didn't happen. And I can't be blamed for the painful circumstances of my upbringing.

No, but those kids died. They're dead. And that is your fault.

Hester Ulrich

I didn't kill any of these kids. Except for Pete, but he's a killer, so that's allowed.

By the state, Hester. After a trial and lengthy appeals and using drugs that are mostly painless.

Hester Ulrich

It all worked out, Dean. And I'm never gonna kill again. As long as I'm not texting and driving. Everyone got what they wanted. And even if the Chanels didn't actually kill any of these people, they perpetuated the system that created me and my brother, Pete and Gigi. So if anyone should pay for this, it should be them.

I also have a conscience, and a responsibility to all those dead kids, that their killer be brought to justice. So I am gonna turn you in, Hester.

Hester Ulrich

Then I'm gonna turn you in, for covering up the murder of my mother and killing your ex-husband... Or we could just say we're good... and move on. To our very happy and successful best-selling lives.