Is this beef barley? How'd you know my favorite soup?
Eat it. You look awful.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Ralph hands a tablet to Toby.
This is my favorite cartoon! You are the best sitter since Mrs. Claderman gave me pudding for dinner.
KDKenneth Dood
You actually understand what these guys are saying?
About half, and the rest I take on faith.
Paige is trying to create a distraction.
Here, lyrics. You're doing the boy part.
OK...I'm doing what?
You're doing the boy part.
Oh God! I should be recording this.
[sings] Don't go breaking my heart.
You got his favorite soup? Tea?
Everything that you said.
OK, good boy. pays Ralph for baby-sitting Toby
You always yell at Toby. Why'd you want me to do all this?
The truth is, I'm falling for the guy.
Eww, gross.
I know, right?
LLinda
All I remember is walking to my car after our date--
You didn't walk her to her car? I thought you said it went well!
It's an antiquated sexist notion.
Come on, Toby, this is hazelnut creamer!
And that's a table, and that's a chair. I'm pretty good at this game.
You wrote "hazelnut" in front of creamer again on the grocery list. I hate hazelnut!
People like flavored creamers.
Creamer is a flavor and you could have just written a different item under it.
You could just relax. Don't be such a creamer-screamer.
I'm not screaming, though I could very easily if you don't stop that nonsense you've been pulling.
Really?
Yes.
OK.
Absolutely.
OK, this has gotta end.
What does?
You two fighting constantly lately.
She's right. You two argue like an old married couple.
He's intentionally antagonistic.
Actually, I'm half antagonistic, on my mother's side. But my father? One hundred percent oppositional.
Over the past weeks, your antics have gone from petty annoyance to overtly combative.
Objection. Inflammatory.
Overruled.
Objection. You can't make that call. You two are sweet on each other.
PDPaige Dineen/Walter O'Brien
Objection!
OK, if we're gonna play kangaroo court: I have to go out of pocket to sweeten my java because all we normally have here is regular creamer.
That honey is from Kovelsky's, it's free.
Immaterial.
You know what? You both suck. Your bickering is making everyone miserable.
Copy that.
You're being sent to couple's therapy.
Awesome!
What? No.
I'm with jerkface.
Well, too bad. I manage this ball club.
...
You heard the judge.
Good job, Mom. Fair, but stern.
I may not be a genius, but I can still tell when you want something.
I promised your mother I'd keep you safe.
[on comms] What was that? What are you doing that's unsafe?
I'm removing my comms, Mom. Sylvester can't see, so I can't have distractions while driving.
What?! Ralph? Sylvester!!
I'd take my comms out, too. She sounded mad.
[removes ear mic] Oh God, I'm dead.
MMan
Are you sure he knows what he's doing?
Absolutely. He's first in his class.
MMan
Where, elementary school?!
Actually, Caltech. And elementary school.
I'm sorry.
Huh?
For whatever I did that made you so mad at me. I mean, I know I have relationship problems. I barely speak to my parents, and I can't date a woman for more than a few months. But I do try to be a cognizant friend to you, to Happy, Sly, 'cause we're supposed to understand each other....But if I'm making you so upset to where you're arguing with me about minutia, and I don't even know what I'm doing wrong, then I am not making as much progress as what I thought. It's disheartening.
Alright, Ralph. Let's be outdoor cats.
I want to be a good friend, and not drive people crazy.
OK, that's it, I can't take the guilt anymore. Walter, you didn't do anything. Truth is, we both know I'm a little self-destructive and lately I've been on this roll. I love my job, I'm even doin' well at the ponies, and I can sabotage myself when I have all that I want. What is more self-destructive than picking a fight with your boss? Look man, I've never been happier in my life, and I don't know how to handle that, so I become a pain in the tuchas. That's on me. I'm sorry.
Wow, that's messed up.
Really, Doc? You've really never been happier?
[using a puppet and mocking voice] My name's Walter O'Brien. I have the fourth-highest IQ ever recorded, 197. Einstein's was 160.
Yes, they're both facts.
CPDr. Cecil P. Rizzuto
But what is he saying?
Mm-hmm.
I'm saying you have a superiority complex.
But I am superior.
CPDr. Cecil P. Rizzuto
Ah, ah, ah! If you want your feelings to be felt, you must use the felt.
[using puppet] My name is Toby. I went to Harvard. I chase Happy Quinn around like a schoolboy. I probably wear this hat in the shower.
You see? Just attacks the hat.
CPDr. Cecil P. Rizzuto
Nah, forget the hat. The hat is stupid. Who's Happy Quinn? Walter might have some unconscious concerns about her to bring her up now.
No, very conscious. His obsession with her affects his efficacy.
She's not...she's a friend, friend from work.
[buzzer]
What the hell is that?
CPDr. Cecil P. Rizzuto
That's my nuttin' button. When you say something that's nuttin' but a lie [buzz].
I didn't lie.
[buzzer]
CPDr. Cecil P. Rizzuto
Lie by ommission. You said friend twice, back to back. Repetitive proximity pattern. You and Happy are more than friends.
Please, I'm not about to be analyzed by someone whose degree came with pop-up ads.
[buzzer]
CPDr. Cecil P. Rizzuto
Right to dismissive word choice.
There's no fraternization at work.
We're not fraternizing at work.
CPDr. Cecil P. Rizzuto
Notice his use of the qualifier "at work"?
He did! He used a qualifier!
Yeah, but... No!
CPDr. Cecil P. Rizzuto
Tobias, a little rumscuttle with someone you care about, nothing to be ashamed of. But therapy only works in conjunction with honesty. So, are you involved in amorous congress with Miss Quinn or not? We await your answer.
[pause]
Oh crap.
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