Richie quotes from Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

(voiceover) That stale slop is an embarrassment. It's time for head chef Richie and sous chef Jonil to face the Spanish Inquisition. (To Richie) Excellent. So you're the head chef?

Yes.

(To Jonil) And you're the sous chef?

Yes.

Right. How can the fish in a stew be dry? When was that cooked, the fish? Because I can guarantee that wasn't cooked this morning. The duck was sweet as fuck. It was like a mouthful of sugar.

That's how it was supposed to be.

Oh, fucking hell. That's not Spanish tapas.

We've never had a set of complaints about any particular dish.

Right.

There's never been one thing that has been sent back, and quite the contrary, we were having compliments.

You shouldn't use your customers like a hairdryer, blowing smoke up your arse. All I want to know from my customers is the negatives. We've got a problem. The food's an issue, but on the top of the fucking food, we can't eat inside a night-club. End of fucking story. Tonight, I'm going to be in on service, and I want to see the place under pressure. Because if it's that bad with nobody in, I can't fucking wait to see what it's like when the place is full. Thank you.

(Interview) When you walk in here, it does not look like a fucking restaurant. You know what I mean? Looks like a fucking strip-bar. I know this, yeah? But he [Gordon]'s got to realise: I can fucking cook.

Titty bar. [Enters the restaurant] What was the first thing you thought about this morning?

What I've done is, I've dug out 30, 40 comments cards, and just taken them off the top of the pile. And all they're saying is, "Great food"; "Great atmosphere"; "Great food"; "Great atmosphere"; "What would you change?": "Nothing"; "What would you change?": "Nothing".

I can't believe you, you know that? Your business is fucked. And you revert to stupid pretentious comment cards to pump smoke back up your arse first thing this morning to say "Food's good", "Atmosphere is good", "Music is good". When are you going to stop massaging yourself and fucking get real?

Okay, there's clearly a bigger picture which is fucked, yeah. But this is...

Fuck me.

Just, this is what I'm talking about, kid. You've got to cut the fucking bullshit. Why the fuck are you still trying to make out you've fucking got something?

Do you think-

When the fucking- When the damage has been done. We already look like a couple of fucking tits. Yeah? You're already looking like a twat. Yeah? And this guy is too fucking clever for you. So shut your fucking mouth and fucking listen!

I can't-

If you do not turn it around today, two o'clock, me and him are fuckin' off! Yeah? I ain't fuckin' staying here. Just - Cut the fucking crap to turn things around! He's there to fucking turn it around. You can do it without me, or fucking with me. Because I've had enough of this fucking charade! Because I don't need this fucking shit! And I've got to stand next to him and show him fucking tubs of fucking shit, that I'm fucking cooking! You've fuckin' done nothing!

So tell me where to go from here, Rich! Cause you're-

You're not fucking listening to him!!

I'm al-

He's trying to fucking tell you! I've tried to tell you for two years! About every fucking thing! Food, bands, I've told you that, but you don't fucking understand! [explodes with frustration] So show him some fuckin' respect, or else I'm fuckin' goin' at two o'clock! And that's fuckin' it! That is it. No fuckin' bullshit!

Okay.

Fucking dangle me like a fucking puppet! [Pats Gordon's shoulder] Sorry.

Get some fresh air.

So don't take the fucking piss out of me anymore! Fuck this shit, bruv.

I've never seen such a fucked up service in all my fucking life. Un-fucking-believable.

This was asked for well done, and this person is sending it back.

Well, let me just tell you something. You know, in terms of well done... [slices a piece of the steak, revealing it to be well done.] Look, we braised it. What is that?

That's well done.

That is well done, so [slams the steak down, voice cracking] STOP BRINGING ME SHIT!

What about this, Gordon?

That is well done!

What about this?

It's well done! Look at it, it's well done! We've braised it!

That looks pink to me.

That's gristle, you fucking idiot! What is that?

Gristle.

Look, look, it's white inside!

Thanks for telling.

Oh, my God! What a fucking muppet!