Gordon quotes from Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

Titty bar. [Enters the restaurant] What was the first thing you thought about this morning?

What I've done is, I've dug out 30, 40 comments cards, and just taken them off the top of the pile. And all they're saying is, "Great food"; "Great atmosphere"; "Great food"; "Great atmosphere"; "What would you change?": "Nothing"; "What would you change?": "Nothing".

I can't believe you, you know that? Your business is fucked. And you revert to stupid pretentious comment cards to pump smoke back up your arse first thing this morning to say "Food's good", "Atmosphere is good", "Music is good". When are you going to stop massaging yourself and fucking get real?

Okay, there's clearly a bigger picture which is fucked, yeah. But this is...

Fuck me.

Just, this is what I'm talking about, kid. You've got to cut the fucking bullshit. Why the fuck are you still trying to make out you've fucking got something?

Do you think-

When the fucking- When the damage has been done. We already look like a couple of fucking tits. Yeah? You're already looking like a twat. Yeah? And this guy is too fucking clever for you. So shut your fucking mouth and fucking listen!

I can't-

If you do not turn it around today, two o'clock, me and him are fuckin' off! Yeah? I ain't fuckin' staying here. Just - Cut the fucking crap to turn things around! He's there to fucking turn it around. You can do it without me, or fucking with me. Because I've had enough of this fucking charade! Because I don't need this fucking shit! And I've got to stand next to him and show him fucking tubs of fucking shit, that I'm fucking cooking! You've fuckin' done nothing!

So tell me where to go from here, Rich! Cause you're-

You're not fucking listening to him!!

I'm al-

He's trying to fucking tell you! I've tried to tell you for two years! About every fucking thing! Food, bands, I've told you that, but you don't fucking understand! [explodes with frustration] So show him some fuckin' respect, or else I'm fuckin' goin' at two o'clock! And that's fuckin' it! That is it. No fuckin' bullshit!

Okay.

Fucking dangle me like a fucking puppet! [Pats Gordon's shoulder] Sorry.

Get some fresh air.

So don't take the fucking piss out of me anymore! Fuck this shit, bruv.

I've never seen such a fucked up service in all my fucking life. Un-fucking-believable.

This was asked for well done, and this person is sending it back.

Well, let me just tell you something. You know, in terms of well done... [slices a piece of the steak, revealing it to be well done.] Look, we braised it. What is that?

That's well done.

That is well done, so [slams the steak down, voice cracking] STOP BRINGING ME SHIT!

What about this, Gordon?

That is well done!

What about this?

It's well done! Look at it, it's well done! We've braised it!

That looks pink to me.

That's gristle, you fucking idiot! What is that?

Gristle.

Look, look, it's white inside!

Thanks for telling.

Oh, my God! What a fucking muppet!

[Commenting on Neil's country paté] Presentation's ghastly. I mean, it's like something out of the 80's. Shocking. [After tasting it] Tastes of nothing... sad. On the verge of... depressingly sad.

I'm cooking Gordon's risotto from scratch. I just tasted the rice I cooked this morning... and it's overcooked. And there's no fucking way I'm gonna send him overcooked rice.

40 minutes later, my second course arrives.

That's a long time for a risotto.

Sí. (Yes)

Is that normal?

No.

Looks like something out of a Barbie doll's house. [Tastes it] I don't mind waiting for a risotto, but waiting 40 minutes, and then getting it undercooked is just... not on.

Hola. Quelcuttis, restaurant?

Quelcuttis?

Sí. (Yes)

Recto, a la plaza. (Straight, by the square)

Straight down?

[Upon finding rotten serrano ham] What is that?!

It's serrano ham.

That's gotta go in the bin.

Oh, fucking hell! It smells... [To Joe] sme... smell that! What does that smell of?

It smells like shit.

It smells like FUCKING CHEESE! [To Terry] Just smell that. How old is that?

Don't know, but it was gonna go in the bin.